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Child of God  ~[Lily Soon] ~Belongs to God. ~I don't bite. ~Music is beautiful. Here & There Talk To Me Definition of Love Love is kind It does not envy It does not boast It is not proud It is not rude It is not self-seeking It is not easily angered It keeps no record of wrongs Love does not delight in evil But rejoices with truth It always protects Always trusts Always hope Always perserveres Love never fails) 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 God's Words Pray with Me -Sister's spiritual growth -Auntie Christina Sim's health & healing -Developing countries -Spiritual growth -Knowing what God has in plan for me -Relatives to know about Christ -Gift of Giving -Studies -Health and well-being of family -Discipline and focus in goals -Perserverence in reading the bible daily Bros & Sis<3 Aimst Fellowship Crystal Bian Bian Lily姐 小云姐 Teddy哥哥 Alex^^ Jasper Max Mic Mic Shi Yi Edith Val Yee Loi Larry Joy Kelvin C Kawaii Kevin Evelyn Felicia Jacinta Rome Serenne Lawson Blogs I Read Yuu~Chan Vain Kenny Xiu Wen Fai Fai Stephy Vincent Joey Shaunnie Christine Baby Bear(Li Ann) Papa Bear(Zhang Huai) Amelia^^ Angeline(Dolphin) Clement Yi Cheng Zhi Hui Rachael Kuan Wen Wei Lian Have a Look Cheesie Xia Xue Vivian Su Ann May Zhee Jessica Peggy Yan Wen Dawn Nira Gwendolyn Cai Weii Esther Pei Yeeng Feisty Charmaine Michelle Justice4BengHock YMI Isabella Chukei-Baby Let bygone be bygone. July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 June 2010 July 2010 October 2010 March 2011 |
Saturday, November 29 ( Looking Back.. @ 02:30:00 ) 0 comments Friday, November 28 ( *gasp* I just ate a MARS Bar... @ 23:55:00 ) Then it was the case of some arriving a bit later, no one bother to call and inform them that the van was here. So, I had to put everything down and use my darn phone to try to call. No one pick up some more. Finally, they arrived, fortunately. I was already sounding loud and harsh by that time. Me and my temper. Sighz.. So, the real nightmare begin. I was trying new Christmas songs tonight for praise and worship. So, decided to use the lappie to on the songs. It was horrendously disastrous beyond description. =( When I got off the van, I was feeling quite giddy but still alright. Then, I rushed in to try to plug and set up the speakers and lappie. Horrors of all horrors, the plug can't go in the socket. What to do? Try to get Eve to try the songs on the piano. No more daring stunts as such again next time. By the time I sat down on the piano bench, more like slump down and bumping into poor Eve. I couldn't help it. My legs would not stand. Both my hands are shaking, my heads were swimming in air between consciousness and subconsciousness.. I was scared, scared I would passed out but I did not know what to do. I almost cried but decided not to make a fool out of myself. I knew I would faint soon. I was sweating profusely my whole face was drench with sweat. My whole body was cold, icy cold. I had a feeling it was low blood glucose level. So I asked Eve if she had any candies. She whipped out sugar-free mints which I quickly popped a few into my mouths. It dod not helped much but it did kept me from fainting. She had to yelled out to Jasper to come and help. I was so embarassed can. I make them worry and burden them, to the point Jasper almost had to sub me again for praise and worship..=( Then daniel came and I muster up all my energy to go and fixed the lappie. The fellowhip must go on right? So, I asked if Daniel would have any candies and he gave me Mars. I owe you one Dan! Thanks. But I don't think our uni CS have those, so I will get you Kinder Bueno instead ya? That is when I ate the whole bar and gain 50kgs. It was so sinful, I know.,.=( But I have to keep myself from passing out, no? First time in my life.... Why me? I meant I do eat and I do take enough sweet stuff, not much but enough to keep me from having low blood glucose level. Or is it something else? I really wouldn't know. Then the p&w start. Bringing the 2 new songs were a terrible mistakes. I make a complete and utter fool out of myself, saying nonsense and couldn't even lead. I am so dissapointed in myself. =( I was sitting behind the speaker the whole time, trying to shrink myself. My life was going haywire. I must have looked so pathetic. Just imagine, face drench with sweat, messy fringe, pale face. Great! We had cooking competition today. Our team won. I really neew to upgrade myself. All I know are classic oriental dishes that look like what grandma would cook, not that it's not good, but still, people want more fresh thing, something new modern, not soup, vege and meat. I am so old-fashioned. I am sure they are just saying I would be a good wife to make me feel better. It's alright. People nowadays don't really look at what a girl is capable of. What if I can cook, can do house work, can look after kids and is willing to keep a family, if you don't have the look, you are out. Face it, people are attracted to look first ya? If you are not attractive, how would they approach you and know you better yarh? Sorry mom, the dishes I cooked today were among the worst. The meat were not tender, the soup were too blur-ish*yucks* and the vege were too bland. Sigh. But the teammates were really fun to work with and we had fun!=) Now I need to think about how to tell my mom all about this for I would get good scolding and then nagging and she would worry unnecessarily and jump to conclusions that I did not eat properly or starve myself. But I do eat! This whole week I had eaten such fattening food on various birthdays celebration. Desserts, Chicken chops, tiramisu cakes and much more! How can I Have low blood glucose level? Madness *tear hair out* Well, I just have to figure a way to put it nicely and I feel so guilty for not spending time talking to mom these few days. I miss her and dad terribly. They are both down with flu. I hope they get well soon cos' so heart pain hear that they are sick. =( Take care yarh. I love you both much much!^^ Don't worry, I do take good care of myself..^^ Not feeling so horrible anymore, -Xiao Ni- 0 comments ( Monster In Me. @ 11:54:00 ) I realise that I am getting more and more uncomfortable when mingling with crowds, I felt so odd, akward and out of place if I may say so. I am like a piece of puzzle that do not fit into the whole picture. I feel comfortable being on my own and with the common circle of friends, the norm, if I may say so. I wonder if it's true for everyone else as well. Sometimes, I lay awake on my bed at dawn thinking if all these are just imagination or dream, that I actually do not exist. I know, lame right? I do not know what I want or heading towards. Worse still, I do not know who I am. I am like the daffodils in the field that are not firm but sway in the gentlest breeze. I care too much about what other wants me to be, or what they expected me to be, then being myself. Yeah, it is right to admit that I am a coward. I feel as if I have no identity. Sometimes, I do envy what the people around me are. Sha, the hot, cool and adventurous one, Evelyn, the daring, cheerful and fun one, Yuu~ the one who dares to pursue what she likes and not afraid to admit that, nor does she care two bits if she hurts you-in a good way that she is not hypocrite-i like that, and how sometimes she is just so caring and be herself, yea, thats the word, being herself, my baby sister, the wilder one and dares to be different and so much more. HOw about me? I don't know what am I. I am just weak weak weak. Like a chameleon following my surrounding, doesn't have an attitude of my own. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with all the friends I have now, but I feel I can do better. I feel that I am being a lousy friend and no matter what I do, I will never be that special friend but just a friend. But that is quite enough, compare to the yesteryears where I was nothing, a speck of dust. Maybe it's just me thinking too much, being paranoid as always. Yeah, maybe. There are so much things in my mind that I want to write down but there seems to be no words for me to pen them down at times. Even if I do, no one can really understand them because they never really took the time to uncover what are really behinds those writings. I am such a lousy writer. I want to be like plants. When the rain comes pelting down from Heaven, they would not budge but take in the rain, blooming more beautiful flowers. I want to be strong like them, when troubles come brewing, I don't want to run away and hide under the shed, I want to stand there and be brave and be productive as well. I am still in search of who I am, trying to harden and soften my heart at the same time, trying to be the real me, trying not to be someone I am not, and searching for my real identity, the real me. Right now, I am feeling surreal as the question of my existence hung in the air. The ceiling fan above is still spinning, just as the clock is ticking. Time is running out, but of what? What am I counting down to, is it exam? graduation? the day my soul parts from my body in flesh? I am confused and lost. I need help, or maybe just a listening ear, but I do not know who to confide in. Sometimes, it is just better to keep it in, until one day they would all bursts out and I hope it would be me, the ocean and loneliness. I do not want to explode in front of others. I got to be strong. I am feeling a lot like the feeling that I can't explain. A mixture of emptiness, lost, confused with perhaps a tinge of agony. I just want to be happy and smile from my heart. Right now, there is a heavy rain in my heart.. 0 comments Wednesday, November 26 ( Out of the blue... @ 18:54:00 ) When you know that you are surrounded by pretendious double-faced creatures, what can you do right? Sometimes the fakeness makes you sick, so what? You can only eventually ignore and just lead your life as normal as it is while trying to fit the people inside your life, intruding as less as possible. Just as the sudden shower in the evening time, is those people who appeared out of nowhere. Not that I care twopence about them but, they disgust me and you can't really ignore them when they shoved themselves into your face or scream into your ears. Tell me how to avoid? I am sick of living up to the expectations of those stuckups. I don't care anymore. I am exhausted and I am going to be myself. At the end of the day, those who stuck around me, I would know those are my true friends who accept me for who I am. I don't need fake friends... Fed up, -Xiao Ni-  *when life was happier* 0 comments Friday, November 21 ( Princess @ 00:42:00 ) 顺找自己的王子，进入自己的童话世界里， 追求自己的“幸福到永远”的结局。 他们都只希望， 能找到属于自己和那位特别的“他”的幸福。。。 Organic Chem quiz is tomorrow.. Totally in love with the new exam timetable. Celebrating Christmas is now possible and the 2009 New Year too! I hope it would be a blast this year. Thinking of escaping to Penang for a nice dinner or supper, then some partying and countdown perhaps? We'll see. Meanwhile, anyone having the same plans? Drop me a message and see what can be worked out... Companions companions companions... I feel like breaking out of the norm and do something different so I can be happy, have true fun and be myself without having to pretend to be someone whom I am not just to please others.. -XIao Ni- 0 comments Wednesday, November 19 ( Yesterday... @ 02:43:00 ) The praise and worship was so-so. I did not put in enough effort and there were some technical problems as our pianist could not make it due to other attachment in the campus, so it was sort of bizzare in the beginning of the second hymn. =X .. Thank God, things eventually turn right. That's what you get for sending a banana to sing chinese songs.. Well, the whole thing was about celebration and thanksgiving for the baby's full moon. Apparently grandma's youngest daughter had given birth a month ago to a cute baby girl. I, being curious as always, would want to see the baby with every chances I have right? I miss holding little babies.. But, like I say, these few months of growing up and exposed to a lot of young mommies especially those single moms and those younger than me I felt that they were brave enough to give birth to a life, albeit the hardships ahead, rather than taking the easy way out and making their mistake worse by killling the life. The moment I held the baby in my arms, my first thoughts were, this is a real, kicking baby, a responsibility. I now look at things differently. No longer baby is meant for fun and playing, but it meant responsibility and commitment. I don't know but I felt so flustered and suffocated. I think I am thinking too much. But, the warm and soft baby makes me realise that it is real and along with all the things that she brings, are all real. Well, got to stop being so emo again and try to get a shut-eye. Its almost 3am and I got environmental chemistry presentation the first thing early tomorrow morning. Sighz.. But, at least I had finished doing the slide. =D My heart is beating faster again, and I felt like having things to look forward to after sometimes. Owh pray owh pray that it is not some stupid infatuation like the past again. I pray for God's guidance and submit totally unto Him, because everything is in His hand.. I need to learn how to grow up a tad bit and just be normal.. Cupid is all around, -Xiao Ni- 0 comments Friday, November 14 ( Being 18... @ 23:30:00 ) So far, I had not been clubbing once, though tempted to several times, no parties whatsoever that are wild and I think the only birthday party I attend was Sha's, that was a nice, quiet supper at Lio'z. I stayed up till the wee hours in the morning, that is due to the dreaded imsomnia and at times trying to finish up assignments, projects or even trying to do last minute cramming during exam period. About driving, I had yet sit for my law test. Dates? Let's just say there are no romance sparking on my 18th birthday and no sign that there would be in the near future and all I had was the change of perspective on how I look at relationships. Thin and fabulous? That's a mere dream. Albeit shedding off a few kgs and gaining back a little, I am still plump and not stick thin. However, being 18, I had went through a lot of major things in my life, seeing my life transform in this new chapter. The first being accepted into university, where I spread my wings and leave home for the first time to further my study. For the first time in my life, I experienced what people said were back-sliding, feeling God is so far away. Also, for the first time in my life, I really realise how much my parents love me and how much they meant to me. Also for the first time, I know that there are people that do not hate me, and really do love and care for me. I experienced the joy of being surrounded by true friends and being included in outings and activities. The change was tremendous from being dislike and outcast to being someone who is being love and accepted and surprisingly being appreciated. It feels great to be liked and love. I finally had the sense of belonging. Also in this year, I experienced the pain where I am old enough to feel and understand how it feels to lost someone I really love. Grandma depart on the 21st of May during my term break suddenly. The pain was unbearable and the hurt I experienced in my heart is a wound that would never heal. And then there was Haxim. Dearest Haxim who left us due to an accident. All the promise and the joy he brought were gone just suddenly, without any last words. Yes, being 18 had meant a lot of tearing. Tears. They do seem to come a lot this year. Now for the past reasons like how I felt so abandoned and unloved and facing people around me years ago, but crying because of the people I love and care for. For my parents health and their safety back home, for sis and when she was down and felt so lonely, when friendships met road blocks, when I felt so homesick, when I understand how my parents feel, when I miss my parents and how much I love them, when God felt so far away, when my love ones depart, when I felt the exam stress overwhelming. But there were also tears of joy. Like how I got surprises on my 18th birthday, for once I had a real celebration with friends, like when I realise my friends love me and care for me, when they listen to my problems. Being 18 years old had indeed been special. It had been 6 months since my birthday. There are still 6 more months to go before I turn 19, one step nearer to leaving being my teenagehood and one step closer to being 20 and an adult. During these period of time, I took the time to hurt and to heal. To experience and look at what God is doing in my life, trying to lead a life pleasant in His sight and living in a way that would please Him. By this, I know I would be making others happy as well. In this period of time, I am also trying to forgo my past, my hurts and my ugly thoughts, trying to replace them with the present and future, the healing and pleasant things. Maybe not many will understand these feelings, but I know they are true. I am through with silly infatuations, and my selfishness. I am tired of being self-centred and having low self-esteem. I am sick of feeling superior at times and being so nonchalant about important things. But I am still leaarning and trying to change for the better. Life is all about learning. And I thank God for His guidance and love for me, my family and friends... 0 comments Thursday, November 13 ( Of Ringo & Ichigo @ 01:00:00 ) Well, just in case you are wondering, Ringo and Ichigo are the 2 cute soft toys I have. Both are doggies. I just got Ichigo though on Tuesday^^. Ringo just came back after staying over at Sha's place for a few months^^ Now he is back keeping Ichigo company.. Whee~ Shall post their photos up soon..^^ Ichigo smell like my Escada perfume now.. Lol.. You take the guess what happen.. Hee~ And Panda the star is also quite happy albeit a tad bit dirty, shud wash it again soon..Hee~ I am working on a secret project, Ichigo Kagee...^^ Whee~ When, done wil show u guys the picture.. I knwo you will like it cos it is so darn cute!! Meanwhile, Happy Preparing For Exam folks! Its time to pull those hair up, spec up, and dress down to face the finals.. RAWRRRR!!! Geeky me is signing in with full exam mode. MAke that 200% please because of the sudden trip to KL.. Night night, take care, study hard and smart! Happiness, -Xiao Ni- ps* Dearie crys baby~ all the best in exam.. just few more days till you are free! You can do it with God by your side!^^ Love u and miss u tonnes!!! Mwah! 0 comments Saturday, November 8 ( I promise... @ 17:36:00 ) Ps : to my future hubby, whom you may be, hope you don't mind. I wish you would love God and your parents more than me too because they are the one who create and had love you all your life, even before I do. i will keep myself for you and you only. I promise...^^ Randome me, Xiao Ni.. 0 comments ( New attempt at super bimbotic blogging… @ 15:48:00 ) It was a sign people when a certain inconsiderate bugger spoilt the speaking test for us. Freaking idiot (sorry but seriously mad) Not only was the person pretending to be smart (which make me puke), but guess what, RUDE too. Freaking idiot!!!! Just imagine how angry I am to be actually saying the word idiot. There you go..thrice in one paragraph.. I need to stop cursing.. it’s bad for health..mental and literally… I need wider vocabulary, I need a thesaurus to search for word to replace bugger and idiot. Okay. Four times. Stop. So, this morning, I went for the exam at 7.30 am which was miraculous because I slept at way past 3am this morning. Thanks to mom asking me to sleep early, I lost one of my double eyelid again!!! Third time this year. I need to stop sleeping so much. Sigh. Okay fine, a bit of sleeping, no, a lot of sleeping and some crying is enough to make my eyelid swell for weeks of months. So, it’s goodbye double eyelid for months or weeks, if I am lucky… Sigh.. I will stop complaining about having small eyes if I get my double eyelid back soon. Mom is not making it easier. When I whine about it yesterday over the phone, she told me to get some eyelid glue and glue it…. Where got time????!!! I sleep till so darn late can? Oh yeah, guess what? My Bio lecturer accuse me of not being able to wake up when I miss one freaking class on Friday.. I never miss his class can..Still say me like that. Bad Mr. Ng… Well, mostly it’s due to Maths 1.. I totally give up on Maths.. Sorry Mr. Khor.. I really can’t do it. My brain can’t process numbers. It just can’t spin! Oh, where was I? I really have bipolar disorders weih. So talkative. Mom said so, I know so… Why must I be so talkative.. Cannot shut up one when I start blabbing. If I earn money as much as I talk I would be a zillionaire by now… Oh yeah, which bring me back to my topic. We are the lab mice-once again, testing out the new format for the first time. Why always so “lucky” one har? So, taking it in uni, no practice, never see one example of past year paper even, courageously walk into the exam hope knowing very little of what to expect. So random… The only practise I had was being up past midnight onlining trying to look for the new format of MUET and stumble across some IELTS and TOEFL practise. Did some vocabulary test online and listening. Ended up listening to BBC News through the whole night. I just got to know about podcasts-I know, so last millenium. You know what? Podcasts are AWESOME!!! I love ‘em! Though the BBC News were tormenting but nonetheless helpful because the listening this morning was so much simpler than the news, minus the strong British accents which I can make nothing out of… Glee.. Don’t throw forks and spoons at me people… I am serious., Try listening to clips with strong British accent. Will die… Oh yeah, the listening part was okay except for the fact that we were pathetically or me at least, were trying to catch what they were talking about in FAKE accent. How pathetic.. Pity the international students because the invigilators were talking in Malay! I mean hello, it’s call MALAYSIAN UNIVERTIY ENGLISH TEST for goodness’ sake. My biggest loss would be my speaking test the other day because of the scumbag (there I found a new word) and the writing for this morning. When I was half way writing the first task Istarted to cry and scream and ran out of the exam hall. No lar, that was in my imagination which reminds me I have chaotic thinking and also rant and rave. Great… I was so lazy to write and face it, I am bad at writing stuff like summary. Luckily no summary. Let’s just say I can’t write short. I have the tendency to beat around the bush and end up writing a six pages essays when I am suppose to be writing a 100 words essay. How sad. The invigilator better have patience and be in a good mood because my paper is in a great MESS. There were strikethroughs everywhere and I was cutting my sentences so short I would be surprise it actually meant anything. I hate word limits!!! NASTY! The good part was I spend about an hour on the 196 words task 1 and left half an hour for the essay. Owh great move Xiao Ni. How careless can I be? The second essay was suppose to be no less than 350 words and is 10 marks more than the first task. Crap crap crap. That was what I did for the second essay. Amazingly and luckily, I could hand in a 2-page essay. But the contents were crappy. I wonder why I always get topic about money money money. Speaking test was about money and today’s essay was about money and being materialistic. Nice move people, what is this? Failing Xiao Ni’s test? Crap. I hate money issues. I hate money because of the problems it cause. I hate money, why always ask about money? You know how much misery money and materials brought me? Not good, not good at all! So, I just wrote. Luckily there was a smooth flow (it sounds so wrong, I know) and I continue crapping. It started like any nice decent, A+ essay would sound like (boasting, eewwww) and ended like crap. By the time I reach 2nd paragraph I was writing a’la blogging style. Which by Su Ann’s standard would be great but by my standard of blogging, it is disastrous. So the invigilator not only have to be patient (to read my illegible handwriting), have great sense of humour and miraculously read bimbotic blogs! Wheee.. It’s like wishing for pigs to fly and grow a pink fluffy coat. Pffft! But of course I wrote of Jimmy Choo and Louis Vuitton. No, I hate materialism but I am not hypocrite to admit that money is important. Duh~ like I wrote in the essay, a person would have to be either 1) a hypocrite or 2) still roaming wild in the jungle to say that money is not important for survival in today’s world. I was tempted to put in the word barbaric but I could not fit it in. How sad. Then I rant on about how the poor kids in Africa are starving and living without clean water and basic necessities and here we are starving ourselves half dead to get a Coach bag. How smart eh? And of course how money turn people into low-morale monsters. But the best part was the last sentence, the grand finale which will leave bad impression on me because it was super duper uber effing BIMBOTIC. Blame it on the invigilator who interupt my supposedly perfect last sentence by saying “ Masa sudah tamat. Sila berhenti menulis” Zha-toued. So I ended up writing this, it’s fully copyright by me though… LOL. It’s so bimbotic it deserves an entire new paragraph, written in bigger fonts and also caps-locked. *drum rolls* “LASTLY, REMEMBER THAT LOVE AND HAPPINESS DO NOT COME IN THICK WADS OF CASH STUFF IN A LOUIS VUITTON BAG.” Owh crap, thinking of it now, what if the examiner is a Louis-Vuitton merchandise obessed fan? Tell me now how will I not fail my MUET with such a tacky ending???? Me and my big mouth. Don’t get me wrong. I think some of the branded bags are uber cute but I won’t starve myself half dead to get a bad I don’t like, but I will starve myself to be thin. Lol… Which reminds me to tell you about two guy friends I have. For the first time in my life I saw guys like that. I almost cried tears of joy because I thought for sure I will never found any guys like that. Well, so innocent and nice. Just imagine coming from a guy, with such pure innocence (dead seriously I am) “I don’t understand why girls spend so much time doing their hair and nails and face. I mean what does pretty really mean? One day also will grow old right? Then for wad?” Tell me can die or not!!! I am serious that he meant it because I know him and you don’t! =p Another will be helping a girl carrying a girlish handbag around the mall. Normal friends as in really normal good friends. How many guys would do that? You know, guys with their macho-ness and being egoistic and all. *cough* If it’s your girlfriend that’s a diffferent story because that come along in the whole package. It is only decent for you to do so at times. Though I don’t believe in such things because I still leave them some dignity, but being totally willing to carry handbags is really some guy that I would look up to. *winks* Latest infatuation of mine would be my new necklace with my DIY crystal pendant and my nice rose quartz bracelet, half courtesy of the handbag-carrying gentlemen. No, he did not carry my handbag.. The guy with the beauty theory did.. Lol.. He accused me of hinting him and thus carry my fury white bag. I swear I was not. I was really amused by the other guy’s gentleman okay??!!! I never saw such guys before lar weih… Forgive me for my jakun-ness lor… Owh, I know, so ranty and long right, so for those who took the effort to read till here, don’t worry, it’s ending. LOL.. You are also very patient to read such a long and boring post. But then again, the main purpose of these picture-less posts is to bored the crap out of you and make you less interested in my blog so I can write all my personal thoughts in them without worrying. I can’t keep a diary because I am lazy to write (more into typing due to blogging) and what I like about blog is the amount of space I have. Hee~ Oh yeah, reading was bad for me too. It was so boring and the passages were all talking about depressions and stuff and and and I was too paranoid of blackening the wrong space and do stuff uber slow and read like tortoise and spend half a century answering one question, checking again and again. Darn, I am weird.. I felt the whole paper was about me except the one on clean water and basic sanitation. Overall, the standard is of my liking but my result would not be… Tataz people.. Love your mom and dad and sister because I know I do…^^ Randomness… I-AM-FREE-FROM-MUET-GIRL -XIAO NI-*grins* (Going coconuts too!) Ps: Leading P&W again.. Hope I will not have sudden lost of voice syndrome and tongue-tied syndrome. It will be depressing, I assure you. I promise today and tomorrow, I will be doing my best, because I will be worshipping God, not impressing others^^.. *blessed* 0 comments Wednesday, November 5 ( Swollen Eyes, Aching Heart... @ 19:58:00 ) Coming to University this year was initially an exciting plan that I had looked forward to all my life. What was I thinking. How could I be such a fool? Believe it or not, I was DYING to escape from life at home, always trying to run away and look forward to these days, being away in college somewhere far from home with all the freedom I can get, doing anything I want without being control. After being here, I am just DYING to go home, better still travel back in time or at least stop the time here and now. I don't want to grow up. After being away from home for approximately 10 months, only did I know of this phobia of mine. I am constantly thinking too much about how I will lost my parents and family, in an unnatural way, sending myself into constant fear and depression. During the last term holiday, I went to this dinner, where a little girl was singing a song about a mother. I was touched by the lyric and actually feel and understand the meaning. I was tearing at the dinner and had to excuse myself to the washroom where I think and rethink of the song and my mom and dad. Come to think of it, I don't need to be a mother myself to understand what my parents are going through now and their feelings. Just imagine, it seems like only yesterday when I was still small enough to be held in their hand, they rock me to sleep, singing me lullabies, my first day at school, when I was so young that my action are almost robotic and adorable, where I listen to them and all it takes to make me happy was a popsicle. I miss those day. I don't mind being little all over again. I remember how I feel when one night years ago, I woke up and took a look at my baby sister's hand and realise she had grown up. I don't know why, but I knew I felt sad because she was no longer a little kid. I guess what my parents feel must be tonnes worse than this, because I am their child and they spend all their life raising me up and put all their efforts and love in me and my sister. Maybe at times, they do yearn that we stay young and small. Coming to university is not the hard part. The hardest part must be letting me go. Being so far away from home for the first time (including training period in STMS in Sibu for a few weeks before coming here) I was not really afraid at that time. But, imagine the fear they have to go through, thinking about my safety and well-being, me without them. They raise me up not to just let me succumb to some danger of the world. I think I do understand how they feel. I guess part of it is the fact that they trust and believe in me. That I would do my best and take good care of myself, believing that they have brought me up well enough to distingusih between right or wrong. It must be hard for them to finally let go. And here I am, not doing the best I can. Finals is in less than 7 weeks and I had not buck up. I am not going to let this 12 agonizing months away from home go to waste. It will not be nothing. I am going to start preparing for exam and make sure I get good results to qualify for dentistry, even if I don't I will not live with the regret that I had not tried hard enough. Mom and dad, there are a lot of things in my heart that I feel i can't get out of my heart and tell you all about it. For one thing, is my love to you and how thankful I am to both of you. It is something I cannot pen down or say, because there are no words to express my love for you. One thing I know is, I am not ready to grow up and be on my own. I wish to be your little angle forever. I don't really think I need freedom and fun anymore. I just need both of you to be with me, loving me as before. I wish you can take me back home to be with sis. Mommy, daddy... I love you... 0 comments Monday, November 3 ( 5 A.M @ 04:48:00 ) It's a new day...Bringing hopes along with the rising sun.. 0 comments Sunday, November 2 ( Impressing Nobody~ @ 14:09:00 ) The randomness.. Currently missing mom and dad, sis and Crys... Wanna go back so badly... Just 2 more months people, 2 more months to getting my butt back! I am overwhelmed by some unseen force now.. Urmmm, safe to s ay, feeling motivated? Yearhhh...So, time to hit my notes again... It's Bio quiz tommorow people and I had not gotten pass assexual reproduction.. =X Much loves, -Fatty- 0 comments |
