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Child of God  ~[Lily Soon] ~Belongs to God. ~I don't bite. ~Music is beautiful. Here & There Talk To Me Definition of Love Love is kind It does not envy It does not boast It is not proud It is not rude It is not self-seeking It is not easily angered It keeps no record of wrongs Love does not delight in evil But rejoices with truth It always protects Always trusts Always hope Always perserveres Love never fails) 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 God's Words Pray with Me -Sister's spiritual growth -Auntie Christina Sim's health & healing -Developing countries -Spiritual growth -Knowing what God has in plan for me -Relatives to know about Christ -Gift of Giving -Studies -Health and well-being of family -Discipline and focus in goals -Perserverence in reading the bible daily Bros & Sis<3 Aimst Fellowship Crystal Bian Bian Lily姐 小云姐 Teddy哥哥 Alex^^ Jasper Max Mic Mic Shi Yi Edith Val Yee Loi Larry Joy Kelvin C Kawaii Kevin Evelyn Felicia Jacinta Rome Serenne Lawson Blogs I Read Yuu~Chan Vain Kenny Xiu Wen Fai Fai Stephy Vincent Joey Shaunnie Christine Baby Bear(Li Ann) Papa Bear(Zhang Huai) Amelia^^ Angeline(Dolphin) Clement Yi Cheng Zhi Hui Rachael Kuan Wen Wei Lian Have a Look Cheesie Xia Xue Vivian Su Ann May Zhee Jessica Peggy Yan Wen Dawn Nira Gwendolyn Cai Weii Esther Pei Yeeng Feisty Charmaine Michelle Justice4BengHock YMI Isabella Chukei-Baby Let bygone be bygone. July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 June 2010 July 2010 October 2010 March 2011 |
Wednesday, September 24 ( Clouds Of Hope.... @ 23:31:00 ) I knew I was falling under depression, because of everything and anything. But what makes me fear most was the fact that the main contributor of my dilema and stress was the inability to communicate and be totally honest and understanding in our relationship. I felt numb about leaving AIMST honestly, no attachment, maybe a little glad, to take a breath, step back and take a look at things clearly and most importantly to save this relationship, a relationship I really treasure and the person that I really love and want to love. But sometime, loving the person cause me great heartache, the things spoken were at times harsh and hurting, the fact that sometime, I felt I do not understand the person and vice versa, the inability to be totally trusting in one another and the inability to just love each other purely, without intention. It's just me I felt sometimes, I am so afraid to tell the truth and sit down and have a heart to heart for the fear of hurting the person and myself and leaving a slash in our relationship. Maybe we are from two different worlds, me with my jungleness within and the person with the wild and happening city lifestyle. Face it, the person can walk faster than I can run. I decided to give another try, I ran back to the track again, hoping to have new motivation. I failed again. I felt like sitting back down and doing nothing, just gazing into the sky and having the music blasting into my ears, nothing else, nothing more. I felt my world falling apart. I saw myself as a failure, a dissapointment, a loser. I saw the academic wall I had build up so high mentally crumble and fall into useless rubbles, I saw a relationship I thought was perfect slowly falling through, I saw dead ends everywhere I see, even the discipline I had spiritually had been blown by the wind of reality. As I walked pass the pond, I took a look at the reflection I see of me. I did not like what I saw. There were so much flaws. I realise I have low self-esteem and confidence. I know deep inside, I am still suffering from the phobias accumulated from the past. I could never seem to talk to a person who is not really close to me, even classmates for more than a mere few minutes, leave along actually making eye contacts and maintaining them. Ironic, yes? But, I don't think even those closest to me know about this and no one seems to understand when I tell them about it. Maybe I do have my flaws, if you are willing to listen and step back sometime and look where you had gone wrong or even where I had gone wrong, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I would not feel this way now. Now, waiting for you to pick up the phone, reply my sms or even my msn, sometimes, no, many times, I do not understand what is going on in your mind. I am scared of you, I admit. I just wish we can just be really close and upfront about each other because I do love you, very much. I looked up to the blue sky once more. I was amazed by the beauty. There were bright white, clear streaks across the sky. It is the meteorological plane spreading rain clouds across the sky. I stood amazed by the beauty and purity that it seems to represent. The plane must had gone far and in the midst of my agony, created such a beautiful view ahead. I was looking, but not really seeing I colcluded. Suddenly, it strikes me that, I had not appreciate what is in front of me and walked with my head down at most time, missing all the good things in life and complaining they are not good enough. I walked a little further, I saw the plane finally, still faithfully spreading rain clouds. I asked God, what if I had been a little bit different from who I am now? What if I had been taller, prettier, smarter, more sensible, more responsible, more motivated, wiser , more lovable and richer? I look at the little plane high up again, I wish I could be a bird at times. I asked God why? I finally found the answer, because God would not want me any other way, because He loves me for me. Everyone is unique in their own ways. Just as the plane, God is spreading clouds of hope in my heart when I was agonize or feeling helpless. The little clouds will bring rain of renewment and healing in my heart and the seed of hope will be sure ti germinate with a little bit of care. I know You are embracing me Father, so I can get rest. Thanks for everything. Thanks for that special person. Show me what to do... XOXO, -Xiao Ni- 0 comments |
