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Child of God  ~[Lily Soon] ~Belongs to God. ~I don't bite. ~Music is beautiful. Here & There Talk To Me Definition of Love Love is kind It does not envy It does not boast It is not proud It is not rude It is not self-seeking It is not easily angered It keeps no record of wrongs Love does not delight in evil But rejoices with truth It always protects Always trusts Always hope Always perserveres Love never fails) 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 God's Words “For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.” -2 Corinthians 5:14-15
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Friday, September 26 ( Everthing You Ever Wanted... @ 14:00:00 ) I am puzzled too... XOXO Blur Xiao Ni 0 comments Wednesday, September 24 ( Clouds Of Hope.... @ 23:31:00 ) I knew I was falling under depression, because of everything and anything. But what makes me fear most was the fact that the main contributor of my dilema and stress was the inability to communicate and be totally honest and understanding in our relationship. I felt numb about leaving AIMST honestly, no attachment, maybe a little glad, to take a breath, step back and take a look at things clearly and most importantly to save this relationship, a relationship I really treasure and the person that I really love and want to love. But sometime, loving the person cause me great heartache, the things spoken were at times harsh and hurting, the fact that sometime, I felt I do not understand the person and vice versa, the inability to be totally trusting in one another and the inability to just love each other purely, without intention. It's just me I felt sometimes, I am so afraid to tell the truth and sit down and have a heart to heart for the fear of hurting the person and myself and leaving a slash in our relationship. Maybe we are from two different worlds, me with my jungleness within and the person with the wild and happening city lifestyle. Face it, the person can walk faster than I can run. I decided to give another try, I ran back to the track again, hoping to have new motivation. I failed again. I felt like sitting back down and doing nothing, just gazing into the sky and having the music blasting into my ears, nothing else, nothing more. I felt my world falling apart. I saw myself as a failure, a dissapointment, a loser. I saw the academic wall I had build up so high mentally crumble and fall into useless rubbles, I saw a relationship I thought was perfect slowly falling through, I saw dead ends everywhere I see, even the discipline I had spiritually had been blown by the wind of reality. As I walked pass the pond, I took a look at the reflection I see of me. I did not like what I saw. There were so much flaws. I realise I have low self-esteem and confidence. I know deep inside, I am still suffering from the phobias accumulated from the past. I could never seem to talk to a person who is not really close to me, even classmates for more than a mere few minutes, leave along actually making eye contacts and maintaining them. Ironic, yes? But, I don't think even those closest to me know about this and no one seems to understand when I tell them about it. Maybe I do have my flaws, if you are willing to listen and step back sometime and look where you had gone wrong or even where I had gone wrong, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I would not feel this way now. Now, waiting for you to pick up the phone, reply my sms or even my msn, sometimes, no, many times, I do not understand what is going on in your mind. I am scared of you, I admit. I just wish we can just be really close and upfront about each other because I do love you, very much. I looked up to the blue sky once more. I was amazed by the beauty. There were bright white, clear streaks across the sky. It is the meteorological plane spreading rain clouds across the sky. I stood amazed by the beauty and purity that it seems to represent. The plane must had gone far and in the midst of my agony, created such a beautiful view ahead. I was looking, but not really seeing I colcluded. Suddenly, it strikes me that, I had not appreciate what is in front of me and walked with my head down at most time, missing all the good things in life and complaining they are not good enough. I walked a little further, I saw the plane finally, still faithfully spreading rain clouds. I asked God, what if I had been a little bit different from who I am now? What if I had been taller, prettier, smarter, more sensible, more responsible, more motivated, wiser , more lovable and richer? I look at the little plane high up again, I wish I could be a bird at times. I asked God why? I finally found the answer, because God would not want me any other way, because He loves me for me. Everyone is unique in their own ways. Just as the plane, God is spreading clouds of hope in my heart when I was agonize or feeling helpless. The little clouds will bring rain of renewment and healing in my heart and the seed of hope will be sure ti germinate with a little bit of care. I know You are embracing me Father, so I can get rest. Thanks for everything. Thanks for that special person. Show me what to do... XOXO, -Xiao Ni- 0 comments Sunday, September 21 ( Ungrateful? If It's Your Will... @ 00:33:00 )  It stroke midnight approximately an hour ago. Seeing how I am free to took a photo of my phone instead of talking to someone on it makes me agonize. Maybe it's meant to be... Maybe I had change my perception over the few months away from home, change my point of view, change my idea of how a relationship should be, a pure, healthy, strong and mature relationship. I fear that I would not be ready when that special someone and I cross path. But, I fear even more the loneliness for life. Maybe, it's fated. Maybe, I would no longer have childish requests nor insensible demands. I would probably appreciate things more or be more realistic. The wrongest thing to do would be letting a good relationship fall apart, slip through the fingers for no reasons. Albeit refraining from complaining, whining, I am still an ordinary human, weak and sinful by nature. I am not complaining, nor whining, just pouring out the contents of my heart. Pondering what is wrong with me? I do blame myself at times... It would be great and I had been craving for  someone physically there to hold my hands just to make sure I am still there and to make sure I am not lost in the crowd...  A warm hug when I need one, when I am cold or when I broke down under pressure, not to solve everything, but to give me strength to face everything. Or when I just could not enter dreamland.  Someone who would not make me cry but wipe my tears everytime I cry, comfort me, not making everything alright but just to be there when I try to put things right again, just for assurance and support.  A gentle good night kiss on the forehead just because I like it better that way...  Or when I felt like doing nothing, just being idle, pretending that the clock had stop ticking and the world had stop spinning and time stood still, there were only two of us, sitting on my bedroom window sill, watching the night sky, saying nothing.  There had been a vacancy in my heart for quite some time. Application anyone? It's not fully furnish though and there are a lot of leaks on the roof and a number of holes in the wall. But I believe, if you understand what is love, you can mend them alright. For the furniture, we can choose them or make them together... But, I guess whether vacant or not, I would just accept it the way it is or will be. For the time being, that corner shall be the home of the web-spunning spiders.  To you, somewhere out there... -Xiao Ni- 0 comments Friday, September 12 ( Back Home~ @ 14:08:00 ) Just sent lil sis over to school. such "responsible" teacher. If students at my former school were half as hardworking as the ones in my sis' school, my teachers would have been very happy. These students went to school after being told class was canceled and uncanceled. What sense of humour. Sigh.. Connection at home down. The desktop is fried as well. Wireless at mom's workplace is not working. Problem with lappie? Sigh. Surprisingly, I do miss AIMST and the life there. No, don't give me that look. Going back mext Monday neways. So, tataz... Wil be back blogging again soon. Meanwhile, need to survive another few days here^^, make full use of the holidays left and buck up for sem 3! Finals coming! *hoots* Anyways, Cheng~ back dy. chaz coming back tomorrow~ *excited* Meeting up with them and hopefully Yun~. Saw her at school today. No, nothing as I plan. I did not go in my school uniform. Lolz. Gambateh everyone! Misses* XOXO, -Bored Girl, Xiao Ni- *God is good. Crys darling, gambateh!I am here and misses ur blog and YOU!* 0 comments Tuesday, September 2 ( Fear~ @ 12:27:00 ) My mind had emptied about an hour ago after walking out of the exam hall. My Biology information-saturated brain had suddenly been relief and I bid goodbye to the sleepless nights up trying to stuff more information into the already overloaded grey matter. Hardly daring to stop and take a nap for the fear of evaporisation of the facts and numbers. Yes, the fear is now left far behind. God had taken away the fear in the exam hall. Despite the heavy perspiration on the palms, everything went well. Now, my worst fear is venturing KL on Friday and fear of the new Bio lecturer. I wish these fears could be sleep off. But alas, they kept me up and I doubt that I could ever sleep them off tonight. Now, it's back to more Chemical equilibrium and such, of Electromagnetic Waves and differentiation. But, look at the bright side, I no longer need to remember the Krebs Cycle and Glycolysis. Urghhh... Until 2 weeks later? -Xiao Ni- 0 comments |
