God is Love~

2011-03-15T20:21:00.003+08:00

累，泪。

2010-10-02T15:31:00.002+08:00

还记得，
哭的感觉吗？
但那泪落下的时候，
在脸上，
感到一点温度。
泪，
不停的落下时候，
但，
你无法控制你的情绪，
除了哭，
还是哭的时候，
该镇么办才好呢？
哭到累，
却睡不下，
笑不起来，
觉得心里闷闷的。
我以为，
我忘了。
我真的以为。
不知道自己为什么要哭，
不知道为什么会落到这种地步，
不知道自己镇么拉。
知道的是，
泪还是在流着。
不知道几时才会停止。
知道的是，
自己累坏了。
给我一个拥抱，
查干我眼泪，
对我说，
别哭啦，没事的。
好吗？

The 30 days letter challenge

2010-07-21T12:36:00.000+08:00

copied from cuzzie Crys blog..

The 30 Day Letter Challenge;
Day 1 - Your Best Friend
Day 2 - Your Crush
Day 3 - Your parents
Day 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 -Your dreams
Day 6 - A stranger
Day 7 - Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 11 - A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 - The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind, good or bad
Day 20 -The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 - A person that caused you to change
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life
Day 29 - The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror

Choices

2010-06-09T22:20:00.003+08:00

We are all forced to make choices in life,
It's either one way or another.
They say I am a tad bit indecisive,
I can't help it,
Choices are not the easiest things to make in life.
It affects the people around you,
It affects you.
Many a time,
I took the wrong turn,
Some times,
I got lucky for I saw a U-turn down the road somewhere,
At times,
I met dead ends,
Worst of all,
I met a never-ending one way,
Where I had to pay for the choices I made,
And the result and consequences are there to stay.
Between you and me,
If I could have turn back time,
I would undo the many choices I had made in the past.
Because I'm tired,
Tired of making numerous choices,
To discover that,
I have return to square one,
Return to the beginning,
Before everything,
But with daunting memories to keep,
For life.

小孩。。。

2010-04-10T01:37:00.002+08:00

发觉，
自己真像个小孩，
虽然在过几天，
就要二十岁了，
心里，头脑，试想，
都想个小孩。
发觉，
在身边能呆久的朋友，
都是要很有耐心，
因为，
我太幼稚了。
不会控制自己的情绪，
把一切都想到像黑和白那么简单。
在过陈中，
看到许多不一样的人，
也认识很多各种各样的人，
有些是真心对你好，
有些只是利用你，
又有一些，
是要伤害你。
傻傻的我，
常常就把事情想的很简单，
结果，
自己被伤害了。
而事实，
还要充别人的口中听到，
那时，
心里就会想，
为什么那么笨？
自己付出一百八县，
而别人呢？
你呢？
是真心的吗？
还是又是来伤我心的人？

如果。。。

2010-04-06T23:55:00.004+08:00

我们人，
总是喜欢说如果-这两个字。
如果，我今天是个有钱人的千金，
如果，我是个漂亮的女子，
如果，我很聪明，
如果，我曾经有努力过，
如果，我没那么做，
如果，我没那么说，
如果，我没爱过，
如果，世界没有我，
如果，我不存在，
如果，如果，如果。。。

这一生，
我经历许许多多的事，
以前，没认识主的时候，
脑海里，
总会想起，
我的存在是不是个意外，
为什么，
我的人生那么的悲哀，
那么的苦，
那么的没意义。

这首歌，
我本身就很喜欢。
希望大家听了之后，
能知道，
上帝对我们的爱，
还有，
我们的一生，
不是巧合的事。
而是，
上帝的安排。

为什么我总梦想永恒
如果我的出现只是一个意外的巧合
为什么我渴望被爱
谁能听见我听见我，我内心深处的呐喊
谁能告诉我告诉我，到哪里去寻找真爱

如果我的存在只像划过夜空的流星
为什么我总梦想永恒
如果我的出现只是一个意外的巧合
为什么我渴望被爱
谁能听见我听见我，我内心深处的呐喊
谁能告诉我告诉我，到哪里去寻找真爱
请告诉我

（耶稣）如果你的存在只像划过夜空的流星
我不会为你苦苦等待
如果你的出现只是一个意外的巧合
我不会用性命来换
你可了解我了解我，我因思念你心破碎
你可知道我知道我，我对你的爱永不变

（合）谁能听见我(可了解我)听见我(了解我)
我内心深处的呐喊(为你心破碎)
谁能告诉我(可知道我)告诉我(知道我)
到哪里去寻找真爱(对你爱不变)

如果我的生命不是一颗短暂的流星

[Man]
If the whole of my life
Is a star flitting once through the sky
Then why do my dreams transcend time
If the fact I'm alive is coincidence void of design
Then why is love my desire

Who can hear my cry--hear the cry
Of my heart's most anguished sighing
Who can give reply, give me reply
Where is there true love to find (true love to find)

[Jesus]
If your life were no more
Than a star flitting once through the sky
I would not have endured and stood by
If the fact you're alive were an accident, not design
I would not have given My life

Do you know, My child--know, My child
That you break My heart with sighing
Do you see that I, see that I
Give you love that is undying

[Together]
Who can hear my cry (You know, My child)
Hear my cry (Know, My child)
Of my heart's most anguished sighing
(My heart breaks for you)
Who can give reply (You see that I)
Give me reply (See that I)
Where is there true love to find (Love you always)

[Man]
What if my life is more
Than a star flitting once through the sky

嘉妮~

感恩，的心。。。

2010-03-14T23:54:00.003+08:00

在那刚下好雨的傍晚，
我，一个人坐着，
看着黑黑的天，
让冰冷的风吹乱我的头发。
我抬起头，
看到那在天空飞着的小鸟，
心理充满感恩，
因为，
我有一双眼睛，
能看到上帝创造的美丽，
有知觉，
让我会感到冷，热。
听那小鸟的歌声，
心情好多啦。
天有多大，
我天父对我的爱还要大，
太阳，
慢慢下山了，
一天又过去，
谢谢天父的带领，
的恩赐，慈爱，保守，和恩典。
女儿心理充满感恩，
也很感动，
因为有你所赐给我的一切。。

女儿，
嘉妮

接受

2010-03-10T13:37:00.002+08:00

有人告诉过我，
要找到那对的另一半，
是上帝的安排，
但，我本人相信，
自己多多少少也要付出。
如果找到对你好的人，
但，不符合你要求，
你，会接受吗？
毕竟，是关系到一辈子的幸福。
我，害怕去接受，因为害怕又会受伤害，
因为，不知道他是否是我在寻找的，
因为，我想保持这美好的友情，
因为，我也迷失方向了，
我不知道，自己要的是什么。
我也不知道，自己够不够好，
更不想的就是，
不知不觉，
伤害了他。。。

受伤。。

2010-03-08T16:25:00.003+08:00

手指受伤了，
今天没空，都没发觉到，
原来手背东西切到了，
有时候，
人的心，
也一样，
不小心，
就受伤了，
发觉的时候，
已经有伤痕，
只好让时间来医治，
靠着上帝的力量，
我知道我可以渡过！

The toughest thing...

2010-02-21T23:02:00.002+08:00

The toughest thing to do:

-before I walk into the departure hall,
is to hold back my tears.

-when I see the people I love face to face,
is picking up the courage to say "I Love You"

-when life is a breeze,
is kneel down and pray to God with all my heart.

-when people wronged me,
is to ignore and move on,

-when I meet strangers,
is to trust.

-when I thought there's still much time and opportunity,
is to appreciate and grab the chances.

-when I fail in the things I do,
is to admit my weakness and accept the failure.

-when I am given much time and opportunity,
is not to waste it.

-when I do something wrong,
is not to find an excuse for it.

-when I am given the chance to spread my wing,
is to leave home.

-when time flies,
is the knowing that you can't stop it and could only watch helplessly.

-when a relationship fades,
is to let the memory fades.

-when growing up,
is to learn to bear responsibility and leave behind childhood.

-when I'm alone,
is to smile and not let my mind wander.

-when things go wrong,
is to hold back the tears and the urge to run and hide.

Someone once told me that leaving home gets easier and easier each time you board that flight, but it's not true. If anything, it's getting more difficult each time. Or maybe, I am just growing weaker.

When you can't understand yourself.

2010-02-10T15:27:00.004+08:00

The anger felt,
when you look through the pictures,
you felt you knew and understand,
but maybe you don't,
not at all.

Let dissapointment wash you away
feeling empty, lost?
How can a person you trust and love so much,
Be one that hurt you so?
Sometimes, confused, sadden,
being thrown about like trash,
only thought of when in need,
is that suppose to make me feel happy?

Time and time again,
I vent this same thought out.
How many time have you dissapoint me?
How many time have you let me down?
How many more time do you want to toy with me?

You thrive better than me,
In everything it seems,
And a natural at attracting attention,
at toying at others feelings.
How much more do I have to watch?

This is going nowhere
and I for once,
wish I could break off from this pull and push friendship,
that ends nowhere.
Now I doubt,
If you had ever even care,
Probably more pretending on your side,
which I choose to ignore because,
I treasure what we have.

Now,
I'm not so sure anymore.

When you can't understand yourself.

2010-02-10T15:27:00.001+08:00

我和你。。。

2010-01-21T19:41:00.002+08:00

我和你，
只是两个那么刚好认识的人，
或许是个巧合，
缘分，或是上帝的安排。。。

我们两人，
或许之间没有什么是相同的，
这，我也了解，
我们现在是朋友，
或许永远都会是朋友。。。

胆小的我，什么都不说，
只好看着你走你的路，
在走向属于我的小路，
那些温暖的拥抱，
单独聊话的时间，
会永远在我心中，

想一想，
我们之间有相同的地方，
就是，
我们对主的爱，
是永不改变。。。

谢谢你，
让我认识主更多，
但我不知道，
如何去依靠天父的时候，
你提醒我，他的爱是何等的大。。。

祝天父时时刻刻都与你同在，
不管在哪里都好，
我知道，
你会幸福的，
因为有天父的看顾。。。

生命。。

2010-01-17T01:24:00.002+08:00

人生，
短短的几十年，
有时候，
会想起我们活在世上的意义。
我们到这世上来，
是否是巧合？
我们所有的一切，
是否也是自己一手做出来的？
在这宁静的夜晚，
听着美丽的音乐，
书本陪伴着我，
我的心知道，
我的生活里的一切，
都是来之主，
因为有他奇妙恩典，
我有今天，
昨天还有明天，
也有永生。。
你还在寻找生命的意义吗？
还在寻找着永远爱你的他？
不会让你失望的他，
无条件爱你的他？
如果，你到今天还没找到，
那，你就还没有认识这位“他”。
他，就是上帝，耶稣，圣灵。。。
他认识你多过你认识你自己，
他要给你一且，
爱，喜乐，生命。。
你听到了吗？
他在你心门外，
等你来打开门，
请他进入你的人生。。。
你，愿意让他掌管你的一生吗？
你，愿意认识这位充满慈爱的上帝吗？
你的人生找到目标了吗？
你真的相信，
靠自己的实力你能够达到目标吗？
因为我知道，没有他，我什么都不是，
万事都不能。。。
天父，
谢谢你所给我的一切，
我不能想象，
如果没有你，
我，今天会是谁，会在那里。。。

News Year, New Beginning

2010-01-15T23:42:00.003+08:00

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Roman 8 : 28

God works in all things not just isolated incidents for our good. This does not mean everything that happen to us is good. Evil is prevalent in our fallen world, but God is able to turn every circumstance around for our long range good. Note that God is not working to make us happy, but to fulfill His purpose. (extracted from Life Application Study Bible NIV)

*YES! I've gotten my copy! Lucky me it's the 20th anniversary special edition - Hard cover! Thanks to Auntie Hong and Sis Angela!^^*

I believe things happen for a reason even when we tend to categorize certain things as bad in life. But the magic of this (or the lack of it) is that we have the assurance as the child of God that even when woe befall us, it is for a certain reasons that we may or may not see but we can be certain that it is beneficial for our spiritual well-being and in life when we view the happenings on the long run.

Many people would probably wonder silently when they see me, "Why is she so hyper and out of place?" To tell the truth I feel most "high" when I go to church every weekend because I feel that it is one place where I do not have to hide and pretend, it is one place I find peace and the one place where I can really get together with brothers and sisters ofd the same faith and just have a great time together, knowing that we will always be there for one another and that we all trust in the Lord to help us grow comforts me, much like a hot chocolate will comfort you on a very cold day and you are hungry. It is that satisfaction and appreciation that sets me off. I am not nuts but if you prefer to call me that way, I don't mind being "high" for God for He makes my life good!

Why is this so? Being through so much in life, I feel that maybe all these experiences in the past enable me to hear God more clearly everyday, that I may be satisfy or rejoice in the simplest thing in life. I praise God for that. I read the other day during my bible-reading that do not be afraid to sing praises of our Lord because of what He has done!

I had always look up to those I think are spiritually strong. Bro Phillip, Sis Yee Yiun, Bro Max, just to name a few. I admire their love and compassion for God, the fire they have and the burden they bear for Christ! I never thought I could be like them, be like Christ but slowly I begin to realise I can do it if I set my heart to it and ask God to guide me and uphold me!

This year, I want to build a stronger relationship with God, not giving Him what is left of my time after I finish everything I do daily but to give all my time, meditating on His Words and remembering Him the whole day through. I had begin my journey in bible reading/ study and hope to finish reading the bible by the end of the year, for once I would like to be a finisher. (I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4 :7) I am also doing my daily devotion and I will do both every morning when I wake up before I do anything else. It makes my life more sane for the rest of the day because His Words are with me at all time. I hope I will perservere in my practice and believe that God will provide the strength!

Been listening to some old songs on my pod these few days. Bean died on me so now I got a new music player. I have no idea why but my music player seems to be related to Peas.. It used to be bean, now it is pod.. (random- need to learn how not to sidetrack in my writing-self reminder). SO yes, listening to old songs, as usual, a lot of memories are unravel. Had been listening to Christian songs a lot the recent years and forgotten about all those chinese oldies I used to listen to. I realised they all talk about love(relationship) which get pretty boring after a while.

I remember the younger me when I was still in secondary school, being brainwashed by those taiwanese idol dramas (think MVP Valentine, Meteor Garden, Devil by Your Side, etc) They programmed my brain to believe that relationships are beds of roses with no responsibility to bear that all we need is I love you, you love me, candlelight dinners, roses, gifts, messages and hours of phone calls and tonnes of other things that can melt girls' hearts.

BEing ignorant then, I really do believe in happily ever after just by the above mention things. When people around me got into relationships, I yearn to be in one too, because all I see are happiness and sweetness that they experience and me being me then yearn for attention and someone to care and love me for then I had not know the love of God. But little did I know, behind the hand-holding, sweet promises and dates are responsibilities, one that is needed to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.

When I finally did get into relationship, I realise that what we can see from the outside was just a small part of relationship. relationships need patience and understanding, maturity and tolerance and most importantly, LOVE. Not just I love you, you love me, I jump you jump sort of love but real love, as define by the Bible in 1 Corinthians.

The result of a relationship that is without that kind of understanding spells disaster and as you can see does not last. We both ended up being hurt, losing part of ourselves forever it seems because certain thing in life such as your time, your attention and your affection, once you give it to another person, you can't just take it back. Time heals the wound but the memories stay, good and the bad. Two relationships, two failed relationships leave good and bad memories. It helped me grow and mature. Now that I look back, the breakups are blessings in disguise, it changes my childish mindset, over the years, I realise that the relationships were doom to fail anyway because it was not the right person, or at least the person God intend me to be with. It teaches me to not rush into something that needs serious consideration, teaches me what is true love and what is just mere lust and trust in the Lord for the right person to come along and that God will intervene at the right time. Roses, kisses, hugs and gifts are not enough to sustain a relatinship forever I now know because I too was shower with them once but it leads nowhere.

I may not be able to see the Master Plan God have for my life but I am willing myself to be used by Him and follow His direction for my life obediently. I may not be the perfect princess of God but I know I am heading that way and that one day I will inherit the kingdom of God as He has promised to us. All I hope now is that I will continue to grow spiritually and to trust in Him. That even if I make mistakes in life, I am forgiven when I repent and that through these mistakes, I will be a better person and it is all part of the parcel of life here on Earth. I want to be on fire for Him and trust my whole life, my studies, my family, my future, my career, my decisions, relationships, life partner, finance, well-being, absolutely everything unto His mighty Hands.

God desires dependence, trust and faith in Him-not faith in our ability to please Him. So, maybe we need to remove that blindfold that had been obstructing our view from seeing Him clearly and really know and understand that you do not have to hide from Him and you can tell Him absolutely everything like how you would to your parents, friends and love ones. So, are you holding a grudge towards God when bad things seem to happen in your life and you shout out to the Lord "Why God do you let this happen to me?". Trust Him and know that He has greater plans for you! Do not let a blindfold keep you from Him. Do you have any blindfolds that need to be remove in life that is keeping you from having a better relationship with God?

-Lily-

No new year resolutions..,.

2009-12-31T14:34:00.001+08:00

Now I understand why many would recommend for us to do our devotion early in the morning. As I am writing this, the birds are starting to chirp outside and light can be seen appearing at the horizon. Today is the last day of 2009 I realised, having lost all sense of time during holiday at home. While lying awake with a nagging pain in my stomach at such an early hour, I reflected upon the year 2009 and what it meant to me.
2009 marks the end of teenagehood for me as I would be turning 20 in 2010. This year had flown by in comparison to th year 2008, probably having something to do with the 7 months of holiday since the beginning of the year. It marks a year of failure and success, falling and rising as well as an emotional roller-coaster ride.
As every year when I glanced back, I realised the overwhelming changes I went through, not much physically (except maybe growing fatter and shorter) but mentally and spiritually. I had learnt to accept failures as part of life as I received my result slip on Valentine’s Day, a Saturday I remembered. I expected it but to see the reality printed on the piece of paper was a blow in the face. I went on with the plan I had earlier to go on pursuing my dream. God’s providence is indeed sufficient now as I looked back, for I could not believe I even have the courage or the strength to do what I had done, brave the odds and spent another year repeating the course while others, move on to other courses and universities.
I had not always been fond of little children. To me, they are rowdy and a nuisance. I couldn’t bear to be around them or I would risk losing my head and ended up screaming at the kids. I pray that I would someday have a soft spot for those cute little running monsters and this year I had had the opportunity to really mingle with them. I realised all these while I just have no idea how to mix with them, communicate with them since I am too serious most of the time and it just feel really akward to be around them. I yearn to frolick around with them most of the time but I just do not know how to break that barrier between me and the kids! God arranged that over the long holiday I would obtain a job as a teacher. Initially I applied for a job at my secondary school and then widen my options to primary school. I did not get any call until when it was almost time for me to leave for university again in July. But, I did manage to secure a job at two local tuition centres as a part time teacher and had the opportunity to teach classes with students ranging from 5-year-olds to middle age uncles and aunties! It was indeed a great experience. At first, it was very akward but over the time I was surprise at how easy it had become to be just like them, to communicate with them. It became a joy and something to anticipate as I teach 7 days a week. If anything, I felt that they had taught me more than I had taught them. They helped me searched for that part of me that I thought was lost during all those years of surviving primary and secondary school. They helped me find that child in me and taught me to be carefree and innocent. When they come up to you and tell you that you are the best teacher they had, you just feel all warm and fuzzy inside. When they walked out of the class being more knowledgeable and in some case a happier person, you feel the joy and satisfaction that you were able to touch their life. I manage to talk to an 8-year-old little boy who always wear a frown and always sitting quietly to himself. Although he never really respond to me, imagine the happiness I felt when he started to laugh and smile and play with his friends after a few months, not to mention becoming more cheeky after that. Then there was that little boy of ten. He would never do his work and had a thousand and one things to say. He is very michievous and the nightmare of all the teachers that had ever taught him. They gave up on him and they warned me about him, telling me to bring a cane into the class. I thank God for His guidance for I had never had to bring a cane into the class while I teach. Everytime I worry about something else, He would show me the way. So, back to the little rebel. I felt that there was part of him which is screaming for attention. Truly, he was an angel as I got to know him, as innocent as any other little boys. Imagine the shock when the principal came into the class one day ready to scold him and make him do his work as usual, to see him sitting quietly in his place, writing furiously away, always the first to pass up his homework and classwork. I beam with pride for he was my special little boy. Another big rebel of 13 was assigned into my class at another centre. His mom was a rough spoken lady and had to pushed him to attend classes with harsh words even when the whole world was watching. And so, the boy also spoke like his mother, rough and very rebellious. With his earrings and empty bag, I remember cringing when he entered my class on his first day. Nevertheless, I gave him a kind but firm smile and asked him to take a seat. As expected, he picked the seat right at the back of the room where plenty of seats are available in front. He did not want to do his work, he never answer when I asked him questions. It was over all a frustrating session. I do not know what push me to talk to him in such a manner but I got him to come with me at the end of the lesson and I talk to him. Again, God put words in my mouth so I could say appropriate things to this little rebel. After that little talk we had, I expect him to be the same, teenager being teenager. But the next class we had together and the many subsequent ones brought surprises! He no longer sit at the back but slowly shift forward, session by session. He would finish his work first and the only one to answer with a loud and affirmative voice everytime I question the class! Praise the Lord! Truly, I believe this is the grace and blessings from our Father in Heaven.
I had had the opportunity to join the Disciple Class for the first half of the year during my holiday and it was indeed a great experiece. Much like a reminder of God to me to continue to thirst for His Words and that there are a lot more for me to learn. I manage to gain back my curiosity and my want-to-know-more attitude after a few classes. I regretted not paying attention in the beginning for I had no idea what was going on. But my pastor was right, it did wonders for my spiritual well-being after that. I did learn more about His Words and know that there are much more to be learn. For the new year, I hope I would finally fulfil my goal of reading the whole bible in a year.
Then, there was our Christmas Evangelistic Night held just 2 weeks back. It had been planned by the fellowship in university for a long time and we were glad that it was carried out as plan. The fellowship is very important to me as it is where I find peace and support week after week being away from home and family. It is indeed our family in university. I was in charge of the ushering committee along with Bro. Lawrence. Being a banana as I am, I was assigned lighter task, finding ushers for the event and also designing and making the bookmark. I was very lucky to work with Bro. Lawrence as he did most of the work (making pamphlets, forms, bulletins) without grumbles. Silly me did make a mistake when I wrote the chinese verse on the bookmarks wrongly and no one realise until everything was done. It was a stressful time for me as the event was just 2 days away then and there was not enough time to redo for the lack of materials! I was also having my exam then along with other members. In the end, everyone was kind enough to help as they printed out the verse, cut it nicely and paste it one by one on the 200 bookmarks the night before the event! God’s grace is always sufficient for all of us! I was also involved in the body worship lead by Sis Evelyn. There were many obstacles along the way as we all had exams during that period and some of the members were back in their hometown after their exam for 2 weeks! We managed to finish choreographing and practising in 5-6 sessions! During that time, many miracles happen in our life which contribute to the ability to finish learning the dance steps and stage the performance on that night. I also join the choir and shared my testimony after much doubts. I could hear God saying “Go” but I was not sure then and one day I just picked up my courage and picked up the phone to send a text to a sis in the planning committee. I was very stressed at first. It was not easy to do it in front of a crowd consisting of many non-believers and it was nothing I had done before. It took a lot of strength and courage to stand up there and to write a script(to make sure I don’t talk for too long). I was at my wits end I remembered while writing that script. I was fearful of how others would look at me, that they will judge me that I broke down many time during the process. Everytime, there would be supportive and caring brothers and sisters there for me. On the day of the first rehearsal, I was pushed so far by the time limit and the script I just broke and cried in exhaustion. I prayed and asked for guidance and managed to put together a concise script in less than an hour and words just flow out without me having to think much.
Writing it all out right now helps me to see the things that God has done in my life this whole year. I was upset when I discovered during all these years of hiding behind the hurts and pains, I had lost myself, lost my identity and to my horror, I have no idea who I am. I felt that I do not know who I really am. By the time I finished with my testimony, I finally realised and start to discover the me within, who I really am and learn to embrace and love that me. I try to become a more outgoing person (go into hyper mode at time but I guess that is just part of me), feeling more at ease with myself and being around people, something which I have trouble with and is truly trouble by that matter. So maybe to some I may seem like a nutcase, talking too much , mumbling nonsense and laughing at the littlest thing for too long, I am just embracing life, making peace with myself and living a life of the me I never knew I had within. I am tired of being drag by the dark past I had. I have an association with that past and I am going to use it properly, possibly to touch the life of others and not to pull myself down. 2010? Here I come and I am ready for another year of blessings and walk with my Lord! How about you?
(obviously there is much more to be shared but I can’t fit everything in here. God’s blessings are of abundance ay? Have a blessed New Year everyone!)
-Child of God-

亲爱的妈妈

2009-12-20T17:13:00.002+08:00

刘德华 - 亲爱的妈妈

亲爱的　你好吗
不知不觉地三年没回家
宁静的生活　如常吗
请小心身体别太忙
亲爱的　听我话
冰箱里的菜太久别吃了
晚上外出时　多穿呀
想念我就给我电话
妈妈呀　你知道吗
现在的生活过得还算好
交的朋友很可靠
说的尽是真心话
请不用为我太牵挂
妈妈呀　你知道吗
离家的小孩心情很复杂
为了争气往上爬
累了又想躲回家
多希望永远长不大
重回昨日的怀抱
做回你的小娃娃
我最亲爱的妈妈

小时候的我，很渴望快点长大，

但是，自从上大学以后，

长大的我，好想回到从前，

每一次，听到这首歌的时候，

眼泪，就不停的流下，

因为，想念在家的妈妈，爸爸和妹妹。

在外面，自己一个人生活，

果然不简单，

为了要出人头地，努力的追求梦想，

好多时候，觉得好疲惫，好累，

好想放弃，好想回家。。

妈妈和爸爸，一天比一天老，

为了我和妹妹，牺牲了好多。

小时候，爸爸和妈妈，

到哪里，都把我抱着，

如今，我长大了，那些回忆，

也只会是回忆。。

他们的爱是何等的大，

想一想，我这个做女儿的，

带给他们许多的麻烦和伤痛，

不听话的我，常常惹妈妈生气，

让爸爸担心。

他们可以为我们付出一切，

我们能够为他们这么做吗？

还在念着书的我们，

之能够好好的念书，

照顾自己，不让他们担心，

他们把一切的希望，都放在我们的身上，

我们，又斟么能让他们失望呢？

日后，工作了，成家了，

要好好的孝顺老人家，

不要忘记，他们为我们付出的一切。

爸妈，你们所做的，女儿我，

会一辈子，急在心里。

我会好好的照顾你们，

让你们享福的。。。

我会好好做人。。。

大女儿，

-嘉妮-

If only I could write my blogs with music...

2009-12-15T22:06:00.002+08:00

If only I could write my posts in the form of music, I would write the most beautiful piece right now.... Quiz's a week away and God is guiding me every steps of the way with His little angels all around me, providing me with supports and shower me with all the love I need.

God's providence and His Grace is truly something so magnificent, it's difficult to fully understand unless you understand Love... When I thought I had come to a road block, He urged me to look further, and go just a little further just so I can see I haven't come to the end of the road. Even if I met a dead end, He makes sure everything is alright as He open up a new path for me in life, something even better. Many a time, I can't see straight to the end as I am only human and I do have my limitations and weakness. But when I receive that promised blessing, I feel so thankful for He really had not forsaken me.

Indeed, every day of my life, we are faced with so many challenges and problems but you know what can get us through? The knowledge of He will guide us through makes it better and allow us to pick up our strength and trudge forward.

I may not be the perfect girl with a clean slack of records. I have so many holes and stains in my life but still, every day, little by little, God sealed up those holes and take those stains out and polished me a little so I would shine for Him. It is a life-long process I understand and to get there, I will have to have my falls, cuts and bruises along the way, because that is simply life, because what hurts us, actually makes us stronger... It is all part of learning and growing up.

I am thankful, Lord for my family, for everything You have given to me, for all the time you were there for me when I thought I was all alone.. You fated that I would meet so many wonderful people in life, knowing they will all play a part in helping me grow, in helping me up when I am down and give me the strength to go through so much in my life.

You know what? I think I finally found myself and I think I really like that "me" that I've found..=)

Hit by a truck!

2009-11-14T22:58:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, it is a wonder how sitting down alone in a quiet room with the comforting sound of only the ceiling fan as companion, I realise a lot of things that I had subconsciously push to the back of my mind simply because they are unpleasant to deal with, or I was not ready to come face to face with my inner self.

Many a time, in the daily routine of hecticness, I forgot about who I am, what my purposes in life are and who I have to be. I had been living on excuses, giving myself excuses to push thing for tomorrow which never came and I end up having to torment myself with the loadful of work later on.

I had always mind how people look at me, being judged since young, I was only more conscious of how people would look at me, how poeple would think of me. Being so desperate to belong, I end up being isolated.Trying so hard to be someone I am not, someone who others want me to be, make me feel insecure, that by the end of the day I would be too tired and I would burst.

I forgot that I could be myself, I could be who God want me to be, to be a better person. I had taken things into my own hands lately and honestly, it is not all that great. Everything would end up in turmoil and disaster. I forgot how peaceful my heart can be for once and now sitting here typing away, I could feel that sense of submission once more, to say "Lord, please take my life in your hand and guide me, I will follow you all the days of my life. Guide me back to the path I had stray from."

I may not be an angel, nor the perfect dream girl of any righteous guy. I may not be the most fillial and obedient daughter around, I may not be that spendthrift child, I may not be the brightest student in the class, but little by little, it is these weakness, these flaws, these qualities that I do not have that help me shape myself bit by bit to become the girl God intended me to be, for me to find who am I deep within. I am willing to learn, willing to change for the better.

It's time to stop running away and start confronting these problems in life. I know it is time because I'm tired from running and my feet could not carry me further. I need to rest now, stop and fight. Only then I could start building my life on a stronger foundation to replace the one that had crumbled long ago. It may not be easy, but I will do my best. I believe God will provide for all my needs.

Goals ahead that need to be fulfil, road ahead that needs to be travel. I am ready now. It's time... For God has been so good to me...

-Lily-

Who would love me?

2009-11-11T12:03:00.002+08:00

I had always asked myself in the past,
"Who would love me?"
When I was through a rough time,
When I thought no one else cared,
You reached down and picked me up,
along with the broken pieces of my life,
and put them back together,
making me whole once more..
and for that I am thankful,
for your care and love,
for the most precious gift of all,
eternal life...
Thank you Father...

-Lily-
*counting down 44 days to Christmas...*

I'm no Angel..

2009-11-06T00:19:00.002+08:00

I'm no angel

and I got nothing smart to say...

=D

when life gives you lemon

2009-10-28T17:22:00.001+08:00

When life gives you lemon,

Don't go hide in the corner and wail like I did,

Instead take the lemons,

Make em' into good ol' lemonade and add cubes of ice,

Or even better make lemon sauce chicken with em'

=D

Anyways, the news of the free sports facilities next month turn my day around,
now I'm as happy as a cabbage..=D more swimming for me! Yips! No more getting rip off for swimming! Finally!

A Pair of Hands

2009-10-27T00:12:00.002+08:00

A Pair Of Hands...

A pair of hands can do wonders,
Cook up miracles,
Change the world...

The other day at the hairdresser's
I saw the pair of hand working,
It got me thinking,
The hands holding scissors,
the hands holding a scapel,
the hands holding a pan,
the hands that hold power tools,
or simply the hands that are gloved, ready to empty the trash can.

What a pair of hands can do depend on its owner,
But whatever it is,
what our hands can do are amazing,
But what we choose to do with them is what determines the future,
Our future, the future of the world,
So what do you want to do with your hands?
Just to switch on and off the screen?
Or to touch another's life?
You decide...

As for me, I had decide what I am going to do with mine,
And as God holds me in His hands,
I hope to grasp the time I have with my love ones with mine..

I hope one day,
I will hold his hands and grow old together,
And use our pairs of hands to help bring light to places of darkness,
To spread the love of God to all corners of Earth,
And that with his pair of strong arms,
Protect me and guide me to grow,
I believe, I really do...
=)

-Lily-

Temporary hiatus and Love~

2009-10-07T10:58:00.004+08:00

Typed a lot of things actually and the connection just gave up and all that is written is gone... frustrated albeit.. But it's alright.. Been through the lowest point and now on top . God brought me through and I know that He will continue to provide for me..

All the best in exams and May God bless you abundantly...Take care~

-Lily-

The Greatest Distance

2009-09-29T19:46:00.003+08:00

Translation :

The greatest distance,

Is not between the dead and the living,

Nor is it the distance between the sky and the ground..

But it is when I stand in front of you,

and you do not know that I love you...

-Xiao Ni-

Letting go and moving on...

2009-09-23T00:20:00.005+08:00

Numb~

2009-09-20T00:41:00.002+08:00

My Reedemer is Faithful and True..

2009-09-12T14:16:00.003+08:00

Band-aids...

2009-08-30T10:56:00.003+08:00

下雨天...

2009-08-23T12:26:00.004+08:00

Daddy, I Love You...

2009-08-21T14:38:00.003+08:00

Remember those hands that carries you throughout the night when you just would not fall asleep? Or that pair of strong hands that guided you when you take your first bicycle ride? Or the pair of hands that wipes off your tears and make you feel all better when you are down? That pair of hands that sustain you through hard work to put you through school and then university?

The sky outside is of pale blue in colour with somewhat undistinct white clouds. The laundry drying off fast under the fan and filling the room with the homey smell of mild washing detergent. I just happened to glance out the window. To my dismay I saw something that move me to tears. Feeling a bit melancholic, I struggled to keep the tears from falling while typing this to no avail. The happening send a surge of realisation and appreciation as well as serve as a valuable moral lesson.

I saw a girl with her father, who had drove at least 45 minutes to an hour under the sweltering hot sun to pick up his precious daughter back home for the weekend. Somehow, somewhat, the girl threw a tantrum when the father walk towards her with what must have been her pillow. She threw down the plastic bags filled with things onto the tar road and snatched the pillow out of her father's hand and stomped off towards the hostel. The poor father must have thought that she would like to bring the pillow home and helped her carried it to the car and the daughter reward him with such anger.

He gently bend down and pick up the plastic bags and open the car door, put everything nicely on the car seat and close the door. Walking back with what I presumed a heavy heart, under the hot sun after his daughter. It disturbed me that she should behave in such a rude manner, that she left the father in the hot sun to pick up after her, that she did not seem to appreciate what her father was doing for her. This incident stir me up so badly, tears just could not stop coursing down my cheeks.

It must had been half an hour since they drove off after the daughter stomped back to the car and slammed the car door after her. I wished I had opened up my window and shouted down to her that she should try to be more patient and love her father for all he had done for her. But I was too stunned to do so.

I know if I were to be from somewhere near, my parents would be picking me up every weekend, that my ever-loving dad would run 5 floor up to my room to help me carry my stuff for me just because he wants to. But fate had it that we have to be separated by the South China Sea.

Thinking back, during those prime teenage years, I had probably raise my voice to my dad numerous time before,or make him worry about me, or even break his heart by deciding to fly off so far for my studies when in his heart, I am still his little girl, not ready to leave his embrace. I pray and hope that I would never ever raise my voice at him, that I will love him more and more each day and care for him in the future. For what he had done for me cannot be counted and his love is so unconditional. No matter what a big failure I am, or how useless I feel, he always love me.

The hands that used to hold me and swing me to sleep throughout the night, the hands that holds mine when we went to the zoo and the once young hand is showing evidence of aging, the wrinkles, the dark spots... it pained me to see my dad getting older each day, all because of me, all because of us. He worked tirelessly, 7 days a week just to ensure a better life for us, and I wish I could repay him for all he had done...What kind of a father felt guilty after giving us scoldings bought us ice-cream right after that to make up his guilt?

Daddy, I will always be your little girl and I love you so much. No one can ever take your place in my heart. I thank you for everything that you have done for me and I pray that God will grant you a long and healthy life with mom...Be happy everyday and I shall see you soon daddy, in october. Then we shall go for mountain-climbing, go-karting or just plain old TV-watching... I love you I love you I love you daddy! I miss you and mommy and I want to go home so badly...
I will work hard!

-Xiao Ni-

彩色世界。。。

2009-08-17T11:10:00.002+08:00

感恩

2009-08-13T13:29:00.003+08:00

Nightmaresss...

2009-08-08T14:14:00.003+08:00

Feelings of Mine

2009-07-25T10:06:00.003+08:00

FEELINGS OF MINE

Lying on my tummy, with every move, my body ache, threathening to come apart. As I look outside the window, through the mosquito netting, I saw clear baby blue sky and lush green trees. Clouds are scattered like waves rolling to the beach. I felt small, so very small and so very sorry for myself. Feeling sorry that I should be so ungrateful and immature, feeling sorry because I had let my emotions take control, feeling sorry that I let my mouth do the talking and not my mind, feeling sorry of how I took everything for granted. Feeling sorry because I don't live my life to the fullest and always complaining of everything. Feeling sorry because I felt sorry for myself...

Fellowship yesterday was a boost to ease the pain of betrayal and acceptance of reality. Why am I complaining of being overweight and ugly when others are confined to the wheelchair or struck by a terminal disease? Why am I complaining that studies are tough when others are also going through the same thing, only much tougher and at a higher level? Why do I complain about how nobody cared when I have God by my side every single seconds of my life and with loving family?

Sometimes, only during this emotional roller-coaster rides do I realise how ungrateful I am, how I had not been thankful enough to God for all He had given unto me, which is so much so that I can't even count them all. Every day is a blessing and I am learning how to be a more accepting and learning person. I am learning to run towards my goals without straying, learning how to stand on my own 2 feet and stop relying on others, learning how to do good and accept nothing of the same sort in return. When offering your kindness and care, and people just ignore you after the time of difficulty is tough, but it is part of life. I need to learn about life. It is amazing what we can find on the internet but I can't google "my life" and the whole paragraph or stories or pictures and videos will come out. I have so much things to learn, I want to be myself but I don't know who am I anymore...

Last night, while walking back alone and playing Nature's Path, silent tears trapped in the broken heart broke loose and course down. My heart broke, I am again and again face with the similar situation. I know people are realistic and that they may not even like to be around me, but sometimes, you get that feeling when you are so lonely eventhough surrounded by people. You see people and a sense of happiness wash over you but you don't know what to say. Then, slowly, people forget that you exist, especially when you stand beside a bright star. It is alright, naturally I wanted to be just like that person, well-like, out-going and everything I could hope for. But, I found out I just can't be. I fele embarassed and ashamed of myself. I can't bring myself to speak or talk. It is rather complicated but it is not done of purpose...

If you have a rude comment to make, please keep it to yourself. If given the choice, I would love to post photos of all the happy times I am having here... I would not want to post something so complex and heavy. But, this is how I feel right now. I know, that someday in the near future, I would probably read this back and chuckle and my silliness, but isn't that the point? We change over time and no one had said that it would be a pleasant process. With only sadness then come hapiness. Failure then success... There's always ups and downs and right now, I am at the very bottom, on my way up. I know, I am going to be alright, Father for you are with me the whole way of my life...

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discourage. For the Lord your God will always be with you wherever you go." Proverbs 1:9

Beautiful verse isn't it?

The Irony

2009-07-23T12:51:00.002+08:00

The Irony...

There are so much in my mind now that I want to speak of but I can't, that I would love to type here but I can't, that I want to scream out to the hill just opposite but I CAN'T... Ever wonder how ironic it is to have the freedom of speech when you are being trapped inside a prison of speech, where you can't say anything that refuse to leave your saturated mind...

I am no angel, the blog address is just me trying to be nice and sweet. I should have put devil instead. You know the black creature with a tail and 2 horns. I looked like that now if you could see me. Probably with a big fire raging over my head. I am trying to change, no saying bad things or thinking bad of others but honestly that proves difficult especially if the person keep stabbing you in the back, in my cases, in my face.. I wonder which is worse?

I am amazed and thankful for answered prayers. So far, my studies had been better, starting off better than last year, where I was floating aimlessly. Now, I see my goals more clearly and I am finding my disciplines to sit down at my table after class and dinner to take out my book ad actually read something or do something. To top that off, it ain't that bad after all. It is actually fun when you really get to understands concept and there is that "ah-ha" moments where the tiny tiny light bulbs light on top of my head.... well, ya, it happens a lot and it is only the first week. Wonder what I had been stuffing in my mind last year.. Hmmm..

Well, that is the lighter note of things. As of now, my brain is so messed up I can't really think straight and I just got to remove all these distractions in my mind. Drey was right. There are tonnes of KS people around and in my case plenty of very rude and judgemental people around. Yes, I do regret having to repeat but I am just too cowardly to choose another path.

Who have I become? Someone whom I am not, that's for sure. Hidden behind layers of masks. Trying to be nice when I don't want to, trying to forgive when I can't, trying to remain invisible but .... It's always the buts.. I really wonder...

I got a lot of culture shocks as of now... People are ruder than before, braver than before and a lot less mature than before. It's something that needs time for me to adjust myself to, to feel comfortable as in immune to the negative surroundings.. I am hoping that it will be soon...

How is it that you can easily forget someone who is stepping on your toes, always around you that it is impossible to ignore and always doing things that disgust and annoy you? Most importantly, how to stay away and just forget when they are snatching everything from you. History in that department is recurring. Not academic wise*fingers crossed*.. But you know, same old person, doing same old thing. Just that this time, this famous oxidation-reduction chemical reaction is coming back stronger than ever and only Day 1, it's already strike one... The score is still 1-0 and I am on the zero side. I am not planning to counter-attack but it is getting on my nerves. I thought I had found the heart to forgive and forget but clearly I do not know myself well. It's a brand new chapter with the same old main character. It is going to get interesting. But this year, unlike the last, I will just sit back and enjoy the show, well, after I finish all my works and revision.. Tata

*I am not emotional or messed up just that I need to get all these junks out of my head to clear and air it for the next session of Maths time..=D I am really happy here. I miss my family and I have got great roomies and housies..=) So, yeah, life's good.. Need to hit the gym more often though.. Ughhh.. Though ya, chem reaction totally make me lose my appetite-literally... Maybe that's one good thing I wil get out of all these situations.. Sorry if my post looks all jumble up, well it is, it's a lot of skip and edit here and there.. But I'm glad it is off my chest and I did it without hurting anyone or anything..*

bad day

2009-07-21T12:56:00.002+08:00

BAD DAY

2nd day and already it is a bad day.. connection sucks, fly in food, right eye puffy=temporary single eye lid(if u know me well, u shud know how i loathe the idea), sleepy in class albeit sleping before midnight! neways, met a lot of ex batchmates..=D was glad seeing them.. Our batch seriously going thru a lot of tou gong jian liao...finishing course in april*booooo* 3 days study break ONLY compare to last time 1 week! 1 week term break instead of 2! so unfair..that's what got me so down today..maths tutorial later then gym and track.. u'll be seeing me a lot less in cyber world from now on.. tataz

-yuri-

BACK IN AIMST

2009-07-16T15:51:00.002+08:00

BACK IN AIMST!!!

Well, greetings from AIMST... Finally touched down in Penang Airport after 3 days in KL... Met up with Shila and it was fun and chaotic..*winks*

Well, AIMST haven't changed much... Still, it's fly, stinky and green bugs season now... I got a room for 4 and I haven't seen my roomies yet! I am guessing they are locals? Probably from Penang, Kedah or something... Owh Well...

JUst a short short update, will blog more when I am able to online in my room tonight.. Cos a friend of mine borrowed my LAN cable.. So, probably going online tonight, since there's not much to do and everyone else is having exam.. hmmm...

well, to those coming back next month, HAppy Holiday and see you all !^^

PS : The sucky bus service just got suckier..Shall update soon!Till then, lotsa lovess~

Bye Bye Bintulu!

2009-07-11T16:44:00.002+08:00

Bye Bye Bintulu!

Am leaving Bintulu tomorrow morning for KL.. Will be in KL for 3 days and then it is Hello AIMST! Time to stop slacking and start studying.. Prayers needed friends! Pray for journey mercy and protection along the way... Pray also for wisdom and good memory in studies, also disciplince.. Pray for the students, workers, lecturers in AIMST for protection against the Swine Flu... See you all soon AIMSTers!^^ Look out! I'm BACK!

Faith and Fragile

2009-07-08T22:39:00.002+08:00

It was at times like this my faith is put to test.. Is my faith still as strong as before? Many a time, I let fear take over until I gather myself and submit everything to God, trusting that God will do what is best and prepare a way for me...

These 2 days, I was being shocked by Swee Yun who told me her mother got stroke and was hospitalised. It was a difficult time for her and her brother. Her dad passed away a few years back. She is my best friend back in secondary school and I still care for her like my own sister now. I protect her and try to shield her from anything that may happen.

That was a few years back.. Now, she had grown into a braver young lady, capable of looking after herself and gaining self-confidence. During this difficult time, she was surprised at how brave she was. The condition of her mom is now critical and with every phone calls she broke my heart, because I was sad about the whole thing... I went to the hospital and accompany her today... It was heart-wrenching ordeal and face it, the doctor at the hospital act as if they don't really care. It was pretty heartless. I do not know if they are already used to this and this is how they face things everyday or it was just about shortage of doctors around.

The only thing to do now is pray. Today, God wrote another name down in the book of life.. After all these years of praying and hoping, Sister Swee Yun's had received Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior... I prayed for God to send forth an angel to tell her family the Good News in this difficult time for I can't converse well in Chinese and it is tough for me to talk to someone who is so close to me and I myself lack the courage and experience... I prayed and God answered my prayer... How wonderful is our Lord!

So now, my brain is still a bit fuzzy from all the sudden incidents. Please continue to pray for Swee Yun's and her family. That the Lord will be with them during this difficult time, to uphold them. Also pray for her mother to be healed and come to know about God.. Pray that they will submit themselves and her mother unto the Lord's hands... Do pray brothers and sisters in Christ... This sister need our prayers and love the most at this moment..

Of Pandemic Flu

2009-07-06T12:00:00.002+08:00

So, I'm leaving on Sunday for KL and back to Kedah next Wednesday... I was initially alright with the idea and after much self-persuasion, I was going to go back to AIMST, look forward to many butt-soring lectures, neck-breaking studies and nerve-wrecking assignments and the much-awaited term 1 holiday in October...

Then, Jasper drop the bomb and told me yesterday that AIMST got 1(satu, one, ichi) confirmed case of H1N1 swine flu.. I went into shock for a few minutes and told mom.. After much self-persuasion that everything is going to be alright, this morning I woke up and start blog-hopping, updating my links and such. Then David popped up and asked when I am going back to AIMST and reward me with a "great" news... Telling me 16-20 cases now.. Uni not closing down...

Then read Audrey's Blog and Audrey said 20 suspected flu also.. Kintio can or not? And I am walking into the whole situation like in a week time...=S I'm afraid obviously.. I can see myself loading up my shopping cart with face masks, many bottles of hand sanitizers and sprays and tissues... Ahhh geez... Why oowh why?

Well, it's quite a low time now..Pray for all of the students there and take care peeps! To AIMSTers, See you next week!

Gosh, I haven't even budge to start packing.. I am so lazy and reluctant to leave home...=(

21 days and counting...

2009-06-23T11:13:00.000+08:00

Time do fly... counting down 21 days till I'm back to Uni... Mixed feelings...

A Girl Like Me

2009-06-19T00:22:00.002+08:00

Who would understand a girl like me?
Life full of complexity and mysteries...
There's a lot going on in my mind,
I felt the bulks getting bigger each day...
Now,
Hanging there in the clouds,
I can feel myself losing contact with reality,
Slowly sinking back into a world of my own...
Maybe it's meant to be,
For me to be ME...

Now that I have learnt so much,
Over the months away from home,
Thrown into a world,
Where everything were to be norm...
I grew up, not a year,
but ten...
I learnt lessons that are not taught in classes,
Theories of life that are not stated in books...

I learnt life is a journey,
With its constant ups and downs,
bearable and unbearable..
I learnt what I need was God,
and a lot of supportive, loving and the right people around me...
Sometimes, we need people who are different,
To rub off our edges, to shape us into a better us,
But I truly believe,
Behind every incident is a miracle to be unveil...
Time will tell...

But now,
I am taking a brave step out of this socially isolating world of mine,
Threathening to destroy my life forever,
Trying to leave the past behind,
And let nature takes it course,
Letting memories stay what they are, memories...
So, please do not make things any tougher,
By reminiscing things that I rahter not remember...
For I'm a girl,
Who knows well what shame means,
Who have low self-esteem...

This is a difficult walk down the right path,
So, please take my hand, walk with me...
Don't be a fair weather friend,
Being there only when the sun is shining,
When the rain clouds roll in,
Please don't run...
Stay with me,
Keep me warm and dry in your embrace,
Because that is when I need you most...

Don't judge me, don't criticise me...
I know my mistakes and my apologies seems to be in vain,
But i'm trying my best,
So do try to understand...
I'm trying to build my self-esteem,
Trying to trust that I am worthy...

Behind these curtains,
You can't see the pretence, the hurts, the miseries,
The regrets and the agony...
So, lend your shoulder not your bashing,
Your love not your anxiety...
Your advice, not your smirking...
For I do wish for a day,
Where I would lift up my head again,
And look the world in the eyes and said,
"World, I'm ready for you.."
I'm a worthy person...

I want to be able to walk confidently,
To talk and look into people's eyes,
Not their feet and shoes,
To feel less self-conscious,
To let myself relax around people...
Instead of a couch potato,
I would finally dare to accept that offer for a get together,
In that quaint little parlour,
On a Sunday afternoon...
And movie with my peeps on Saturday night,
Not just sitting at home doing nothing..

I do feel trap and alone,
Like a little bird who couldn't find its way home...
I want to be free,
Binded by no other but the will of God...
I want to submit fully to Him,
And truly Trust in Him...
I believe I can, I really do...

Crush my dreams not,
Break my heart not,
Taunt my wounds no more,
For I am a new person,
Truly a better person,
For I had been born again,
In the name of Christ...

I believe I would someday read this again,
And I hope to laugh at this funny thoughts of mine,
And reminisce how my life had changed...
I do believe, I do hope...
For no human know better,
A girl like me...

A grateful heart, a beautiful blessing…

2009-06-14T21:07:00.006+08:00

Year 2008 was a whole new beginning for me, a new chapter of my life, a year full of joys and sorrows. A year where I fall and pick myself up, learning more about this so call life and things that comes along with it. It was difficult and daunting task to live away from family and having almost zero social skills I was worried, life was going to be daunting as it was years ago. I was afraid to be myself, coop inside an empty shell filled with fake happiness, pretend joy and masked personality. I did not know who I was, neither do I know who I am nor who I will become. On this difficult journey, I found someone, a group of someones to be exact, to guide me through this journey…

Who would guess two people so different can develop such a close relationship. It was not easy, full of challenge, required patience and there were a lot of bickerings and disagreements along the way. It is a wonder how years ago, the saying “I’m sorry, we are so different it seems we are from two different words” was the last say in a long and difficult relationship. But, last year, these two words brought such different emotion when said. Rather than sadness as felt when heard for the first time, the second time someone spoke these words to me, I was touched and awed by the truth in them. I remembered that night vividly, the both of us, sitting in the living room, having a heart to heart talk, after you came back from a trip to Penang you said, “I am amazed by how different we are, yet we are still able to be so close.”

I had never met a friend that cared so much for me in the past and I guess I was tired of always giving and giving until I was exhausted and never got anything in return where all I want is the assurance of a friendship and a gesture of appreciation, a simple thank you and when I say you’re my best friend, you’ll say you are mine too. But years after years, I was dissapointed because none of them ever said that to me, they would just say, I have no best friend, which broke my heart. But then I met you, you are different..

You were there, ready to hear me pour out my heart, offer a crying shoulder and generous with your hugs and kisses. When I was sick, you came and visit me, which will always be remembered. We have our share of fights and quarrels just as real friends are bound to face, because that is what true friends are like, knocking each others’ corners off, to help shape us into a better person. When a friend is honest with you, that is a true friend. Even though the truth may hurt in the beginning, a true friend will walk with you on the journey of healing and in the end you found out that something good had come out of the initial hurt you feel.

I had a very complex and complicated thinking and presumption of how a friendship should be like-how every friendship should be like.Being so inexperience, all the presumption and smooth flowing were just mere imagination. But you teach me the right from the wrong, you taught me about patience, about how friends do not need to cling to each other 24/7, that friends still need boundaries, that friends do care even though they do not show it, that friends are always there for you. Now I know that friendship is a simple thing, a beautiful, simple matter that brought joys beyond measure and make you feel all safe and fuzzy inside. I just felt like an idiot for it had taken me so long, a year to realise that, and in the process brought grief to both of us.

Then there are the typical girly girl things we would do together, went out shopping, cook, talk about clothes and movies and laugh around at silly things which does not even make sense to me now. I really felt love and I felt the urge to protect you always, so no harm shall come to you in anyway. I learn to care about others, how not to be selfish but give unconditionally because I love you. I learn to love as the bible says. I learn to be patient, I learn to be kind, I learn to not be jealous, I learn not to boast, I learn to be humble, I learn about self-esteem, I learn not to be self-centred, I learn to be a better person and I learn to learn the truth. All these just from learning to love you and others.

There is still a litany of things that had yet to be said, I am endlessly reminiscing the sweet memories that we had created in the time we spent together. And It is difficult to pen these feelings and emotions into words, but I just want to say that I am grateful for you dear and for all my friends that I had come to know, for making me realise I can start anew and everyone deserve a second chance. Thank you for your love, your care and your friendship. It meant the world to me just as you meant to me…

I thank God for this dear friend that He had given to me. Thank you for bringing Sha into the world today exactly 19 years ago. Thanks you for letting us cross each other’s path that we had come to know each other and to love each other.May God cast His abundant blessing and care upon her and her family.

A small tribute to a very special girl in my life,

The lady looking gorgeous in purple..=D

A full length photo to show how lanky she is..=)

Among our earliest photo took together..=) There is Lemon at the top, second row from left to right is me, Ruqi and SHA! At the front row is Drey!!! We miss you!

Our first time out together where Drey make a crazy decision and follow our heed to cut her hair and dyed it purple! Superb result..Awww, I miss the days we went out together..=D

My first alone pic with Sha on our first outing together..=D in CS outside that barder shop..remember dear?

An old piccy I found from my folder of older photos...Awwww..Loves..<3>

Baby girl enjoying her McD dessert...She got me addicted to Mc Flurry after that!

A special girl who 'pei' me do silly things even thought I'm so childish, she put up with me...

Sha dear looking fab as usual..=D Dear I'm still in love with this pic of yours!

Another fav photo of her!^^ My mama says you look pretty darling..=D This is among the first picture I show to her...=D

To Sha dear, I want to wish you a Happy 19th Birthday and I miss celebrating our birthday together. Thank you for everything and dear, I appreciate everything that you have done for me. I am sorry for all the wrongs that I may have done and making you unhappy along the way. I am just starting to learn more about life and explore the meaning of friendship. Thanks for accepting me as I am and thank you for being so patient with me. You know how much I love and care for you. I will see you soon and wish you have an awesome day darling! I miss you lots… Mwah~

-Love- from Lily~

*sorry for late post dear..I typed this out the night before your birthday and went off to Sibu early in the morning… Just came back..=D Hope you had a great day today!!

What I did on the 1st of June...

2009-06-06T15:45:00.005+08:00

I'm sure all those who hails from Sarawak know that 1st of June is the Gawai Festival for the Ibans..=) It is also the mid term school holiday! So, I did not have to go to work and my cuzzies came over during the holiday. Cyndi went back earlier, on the 31st of May and Crystal came from Miri on the 30th!^^ So, having nothing to do, I pestered my dad to bring us somewhere. Guess where?

Me and my babe in the car!^^

Double camwhores!

We reached our destinations..So, Crys was somewhat fascinated by this big oddly shaped can of beer branded trieneikens...Must be the far far cousin of Heneiken.. Hmmm.. It's the same colour!=D Anyways.... we went to the

BEACH!!!!!!!!!

Crys dear was trying to take some artistic shot like those you can find in photobucket I think..=D With her new baby! LG phone..Its red, its hot and come with full slide qwerty keys and touch screen! I'm so jealousss.... Ahaz!

Anyways, my my sis, me and Crys wasted no time to take off our slippers and get wild I mean have fun on the sandy shore! Guess which one is my feet? I'll give you a hint.. Mine is the biggest, fattest and dirtiest!Hehehehehe!

And so, we started camwhoring again cos the sun and lighting was awesome! But it was hot!If only the sun can be that bright and lovely but not hot! You know what I mean! I always imagine myself lying on the beach in a nice sundress under a tree with my favourite novel prop on my belly and in my imagination, the sun is always lovely, the sky blue and the sunshine bright but never hot! And at the end of the day I am still fair, not tanned! Hahahaha

Anyways, a stingray tried to attacked my sister's brain..Can you see the long tail there? *control laughter*

And this is my half-headed slim cousin....Awwwww

We also find eight-legged spider star at the beach!^^ They're humoungous!

The lovesssssssss...I misss you Crys!!

This is my first "jump-in-the-air" photo! Captured by Crys!^^ Me like....

Another hot shot of my dearie!^^ And no, she did not dyed her hair!=D Nice colour ey? And at the back will be my stingray headed sister..=D

Then we wanted to take some sort of shot. Ya know, with our legs and arms suspended in the mid-air. I did not realised we had to suspend the leg so shot 1, failed...Aiks! It was difficult to put our arm on each other shoulders and put up the other arm in mid air while balancing on one leg on an uneven and narrow piece of tree branch.
Hehe..sound more complicated when i write it out in words...=D

Shot 2, total failure...no legs, no arms...Not ready!

Success!! Darn, I envied her slim legs!

\

I found a weird unknown-coconut-lookalike thingy by the shore and decided to make it into a camwhore accessory..=) Anyone know what is that?

No wonder people say I don't look chinese..I really don't..Hmm..Its time to accept the fact..Haiz.. I look like cryssy's Indonesian maid in the picture...But namind.. I can imitate one perfectly, talking wise..=) I think I am getting attached to this identity..=)

Me and my sis redoing our dance move..Lol...I can go lower..Blearkkk..But she claimed that she looked better.Yaya...always had been, Viv...

Anyways, that's all folks!^^ Hee~ Time to go. Our feet can wave yo, darn..my toes looks as if they are cramped! So unglam... *pukes*

Anyways, really happy bout the holiday!^^ I submitted my uni application and booking the air tickets soon! Gonna visit Crys dear in Miri for 2-3 days in July..=D I had given in my notice that I will be working until the end of this month! Gonna take proper pictured with my cutsie students and post them up I reckon..=D I'm gonna miss them cos they're owh-so-cute! Darlings, I'm gonna miss you all! Study hard k!^^

Loves,

-Just myself-^^

PS : Apart from being mistaken as a Malay, Indonesian, Indian, Iban, Melanau, Filipino, and a lot of other races, the latest amusement come from my 17-year-old male student who is really a very good student and very attentive in class. We were talking about something in class yesterday afternoon when we came ocross my age. He was shocked that I am only 19 years old. He thought I am a married woman with kids. He said cos I looked mature and spoke good English and I guess he had the mindset that teachers have to be older? Anyways, I have no idea to be flattered or depressed... Darn... Apparently I have got the face, skin and body of a married-with-kidS-woman.... This time die lorrrrrrrrr.....

I Miss My Friends!!!

2009-05-19T02:10:00.002+08:00

Gosh! It had been months(seems like an eternity) since I last seen Audrey, Sha, Ruqi, Shila and pretty much everyone else. Going half mad from missing friends at uni. Just read Sha's and Audrey's blog and I realised how I wish we could turn back time, just one more day in class, the good old times. Sha dear just returned from Taiwan and messaged me when she touchdown in KL, I messaged Drey the other day after driving class cos I was upset bout my dream, I was afraid to go back and start over, fear of changes.I always talked to her when I have some sort of fears or feelings that were bottle up, ones that I can't tell anyone else, cos she is a great listener and trustworthy.

At times, I looked back at how we used to have disagreements and little bickerings now and then. Sometimes over the littlest things, but I am glad to have found such wonderful friends in my life, I would not have change anything even if I was given the chance to, because they change my life, their name were written abundantly in every pages of the new chapter of my life, because of them, I know how much can friends love and care for each other. I learn to accept them as they are as I want to be accpeted as I am. That's what friendship is all about no? Tolerating and putting up with each others weaknesses. I learn so much in that one year spend with them. I learn to socialise, I learn about friendship, trust, love and tolerance.

Looking bad, the days we had meals together, the days we studied together and when Sha would physched me into studying just before exam, the celebrations we had, the things we participated in, the talks we had and the sleepover..=) I realised, slowly, I had lost the shield around me, the protective shield I had built so strongly pver the years when friendship meant betrayal and hurts to me. They, without me realising, had melted the shield away, strip away my fear and turn my heart soft, just because of their actions, their words, their hugs and kisses and the fact that they let me know that they will be here for me anytime, everytime... I'm really thankful for that. I am thankful to have the chance to care for you, to love you and to know you.=)

I had met great people who became my best of friends in that one year in uni. Drey, Sha, Ruqi, Shila, Xiu Wen, Sing Yi, Jo, Evelyn, Eric, Fai Fai, Pala and so much more, more than I ever hope for or dare dream of... Thanks for making the year so meaningful and warm. When a lost Sarawak girl venture into the world for the first time, leaving the comfort nest behind, you were all there to make things more bearable, warm and welcoming.=D Thank you dear friends...

Now, as the day to be back in AIMST draws near, i'm sad for having to leave my family yet again,but at the same time happy because I will be seeing all of you again, the people whom i had learn to love and care for over the year. I'm ready for another year there and hopefully the next 6 years there until I complete my degree.=) I'm no longer afraid of changes because I know you will all still be there to comfort me, to accompany me and things will be alright. Because, you always always put things right..=) I miss you, all of you!

Love,
Lily...

PS : Driving lesson finally! Later at 10am! Hope for the best!^^ So I will get my license before July!^^ Mom bought me a diamond necklace! I'm happy not because of the necklace but for that for the first time in my life, she accompany me to see jewelleries that she don't even have any interest in, after a whole day at work. She refuse to let me pay for it. It's not about the diamonds Ma, its about your presence and the fact that you accompany me there. It just make the necklace a whole lot more meaningful... I'm thankful for you and all that you had done for me.

*Mother's Day post coming up , hopefully with pictures... me and sis did mad things and things were a bit funny that morning and we'll see in the next post. Now I just need to get a shuteye..=) Much Lovess

Sudden Changes

2009-05-05T20:51:00.002+08:00

We are all aware of chnages that occur suddenly in our life. In the period of 2 weeks a lot had change. I become more independent and learn about self-control. But at times there are just things we cannot control and we just have to cope with the dissapointment and shock at the end of the day. 2 colleagues resigned suddenly last week due to some personal reason and that was that.

Then, I am having second thoughts bout going back to AIMST to repeat. AT times, I just have this wave of uncertainty of what I really want to do with my life. Am I going the right way? Sometime, things are difficult at home and I want to stay or leave. But it is just a dissapointment when people you love let you down and you realise, you cannot trust them anymore. They cannot be rely on and do not think about their action and how it will affect the family. It is sad to think that I can't count on that one person and I know sooner or later, we are just going to drift apart. Just because the person is selfish and do not think of anything else but only of their own. I do not know what is going to happen in the future but I am ready to give up on that person because I feel that I can't do anymore and I am tired.

Don't be fool. I am happy now, treasuring the time I have at home. Every second of it. There would be people whom I will miss and also people whom I can't wait to get away from because they changed, changed for the worse and I feel that I do not know who is inside that person anymore. It hurt but nothing can be done now. Only prayers and hoping that the person will change.

Well, just a short update. Will update more soon. But I really do not have much to talk about..=) Everything is quite fine now and I am just going to work and staying at home these days. So, a pretty monotonous but enjoyable life. Maybe, I will change my mind bout going back to AIMST.. Hmm *indecisive mode*

HARK! Gotcha! No way I am giving up my ambition. Tata for now. Need to go look at more of the Bio and Maths which I had barely touch. Sighz.

-Xiao Ni-

Our Fellowship : Written for AIMST CF Blog!^^

2009-05-01T00:19:00.000+08:00

Fellowship... What does this word mean to you? Before I went off to university, fellowship was simply a place to spend my Saturday nights, a desperate attempt to gain friends and something that God has command us to do. Yes, the meaning of fellowship had not change much. But, the changes that it brought to me was tremendous.

In 2008, I had taken the initiative to spread my wings of freedoma and fly off to AIMST University in Kedah. I was just a fresh secondary school "graduate". But praise the Lord, I was being given the chance to join the 3rd English STMS in MTS Sibu before I head to Kedah, specifically, Bedong, Sungai Petani. Now, I had never even heard of the place before. I was anxious and truthfully, since the day I received my offer letter, there was always tension hanging in the air. There were tears, talks and persuasion, asking me to reconsider because I was too young to leave my family. But, I perservere and went off to take the first step in realising my ambition.

Now, being a "newly-converted" Christian of only 2 years at that time, I was still on fire for God especially after attending the STMS. Amusingly, the first thing that came into my mind was not "Oh no, the flight ticket!" nor was it "I am going to feel so homesick!". Rather, it was "What about church? Will I be able to find a Methodist Church in SP? Preferably English-speaking church (I WAS half banana)? Will I be able to continue to serve God in the new place? Will I be able to grow spiritually there and practice what I had learnt in STMS? Then, I found Sister Lily (Number 1) who is coincidentally from Bintulu and she was my schoolmate too! So, I started to bombard her with all sorts of questions and she told me all about the info I that I needed and more!

I was very lucky. The first week I was there, I had already attended the fellowship and the service. I was relieve for I had found a great Methodist Church there and also joined the fellowship. The down side is that they are conducted in Chinese. So, I panicked but there was nothing much I can do. Slowly, I begin to pick up more words, learn hymnals and worship songs in Chinese (of which I really grow to love nowadays), given the chance to lead P&W during fellowship and even during service! I even learn more about piano and other instruments apart from training my vocals! It was truly an amazing experience!

BUT, the most important thing was that the fellowship was the only source of comfort I found when I was there. Words cannot described my love for this group of brothers and sisters. I experience spiritual low several time when I was doing my foundation course. I could not get use to the studies and worry constantly about things at home. The only thing that was keeping me going was the thought of the coming Friday and Saturday. Truly, the fellowship was what that kept me sane. The brothers and sisters were helpful and loving. In time of difficulties, it is a great comfort to know that they will be there for you. I grew really fond of every single one of them and took them as my own siblings.

The brothers and sisters were a great awakening call for me, to do some checking in my life, to see where am I heading. They were my mirror of righteousness. I look up to them and follow the example that they set for me. Even though it may not be obvious physically, but they have make a great impact in my life, my thoughts and my spiritual well-being. I try to be like them, loving God more each day, submitting myself fully to God, try to be there for others when things are not going the right way and even the way I behave. They show me how a Godly person should be like.

I am not writing this because I have to, but due to the reason that I really love this fellowship and all the brothers and sisters that belong to it. I grow up a little more and try to let God mould me into perfection. If it wasn't for the existence of this fellowship, I would not witness many thing. Like how a Pastor will himself drive the gospel van and never grew tired eventhough when there were only 2-3 people meeting for the fellowship, or how the brothers and sisters are so capable and wise in their thinking or even the spirit of perserverance.

Now, I am looking forward to going back soon, changing myself a little more, continue to learn more about things and hundreds of other things to accomplish. Because of this fellowship, I learn to be contented about blessings from God, about God's Words, ways to handle problems and crisis, of love and righteousness. And guess what? I am only a quarter of a banana now! *grins*

Our motto is right (团契，我们的家)There are no better ways to put this. *told you I am less of a banana now!*

I would love to rant on and on about it, but for now, I will leave things here and share more some other days alright?^^

Now I truly know that Hebrews 13:5 (For Jesus has said, "I will never leave you or forsake you.") is true because when I was in the depth on confusion and felt lost, he sent me his love and blessings through this fellowship and all the brothers and sisters along with it!

May God bless all of you!

Love,

嘉妮 @（Lily Number 3)

What Are We Doing To Make A Change?

2009-04-22T21:47:00.002+08:00

OH my goodness..these days I am just getting emotional from watching television. When I watch The Biggest Loser on Hallmark channel I will be screaming when it is their weighing session for the people to lose 20 pounds and then cheer when the 62-year-old grandpa lose 31 pounds in one week! Really, it motivates me to not give up and know not all is lost. If they can do it, I can do it as well. The yesterday finals, the lady lose 117 pounds in total leaving her weighing only 115 pounds now. And one of the guy actually lose more than 200 pounds?Thats more than I weigh! Then there is the Oprah Show. Yesterday was all about recycling and what we can do to save Earth. Today was about O Ambassadors. It really make me cry as I got to see what it was like in the other part of the world where people live in such poverty in Kenya but yet they are still so happy and full of hope for tomorrow.

What do we have? Everything we NEED and more. What do they have? Very little. We are feeding our family with nutritious food and bringing them out for meals, forcing food fown the throats of our children who refuse to eat. In other parts of the world they have tea for breakfast, peas and corns for lunch and corn starch and water for dinner!!!!!!!!!! They do not have clean water source. Their only water source is from a river which they describe as mud river where they drink from, bath and bring their livestock to. They are swimming and drinking from their own sewage water! The children are so compassionate to learn whereas the children here had to be forced and drag to school, provided with transports, textbook, school bags, uniforms and stationeries. Then, we have to force them to do their work.

I, myself admit I complain a lot about this and that at times. Complaining about my situation, of my own looks and abilities. But these people who have nothing much can live happily and look forward to a new day. They understand the true meaning of love and respect. We have too much, we really need to take a step back and look at the world, at what is happening in developing countries, even our own country. There are still people who have no connection to the urban areas, no clean water, no education and they need help. We can do whatever little to help start make a big difference. There are so much we can do but are we willing to step out of the comfort zone and lend a helping hand? What can we do today to make a change in these peoples' life? To give them a chance to change their own life?

209th!^^

2009-04-19T23:20:00.002+08:00

Just a short update!^^ Had a quiet birthday at home on Wednesday after coming back from work (morning to night)..

Thanks to all who send me sweet birthday messages and to Sha darling, Fai Fai and Lily Jie, thanks for the blog post... Sha dear almost send me to tears and I keep on thinking bout the time we were in uni together and I really miss everyone... Really wanna go back soon!^^

I finally gone for the engine course part 1 and it will be part 2 next week then L license here I come!^^ Burning big hole in the wallet! driving course so expensive!>.<

Got myself a new wallet to replace the old pink one which had tore alongside the card slot... It was on 50% sale! So got a new one instead!^^

I am changing so fast and my thoughts just seems to be a mass of whirlwind.. I shouls just label myself as chameleon, awesome at camouflauge... ^^ the 24 hour internet set-up finally! So, I'll be online more often from now on?

The other night I had a nightmare bout going to AIMST. Thing is, it is reality as well.. When I go back, everything will be from point zero and I am just afraid and scared to conform to changes... I really miss everyone so much... How am I going to cope another year?Start all over again?

-Yuri-

Updates!

2009-04-13T10:05:00.002+08:00

As always, Fai Fai is going around bugging everyone to update... So here we go, since I have free access to the net for now, why not? Trying to break out of the annoyed mood in the last post.

Well, like I say, economy is getting better. So I'm obviously happy. Good Friday and Easter Day had come and go. We are doing service of the nails this year and it was very meaningful. I really reflected upon myself and saw places where I need to change and improve. Everything said were very very true.

I finally got my geeky spec. But no such luck of getting one from GA or playboy. There were none in sight. So, settle for a frame from I-Secret which sets me back by a total sum of 200 bucks! Aiks! But mom insisting on paying for it. Owh well~ My birthday gift I suppose. I kid you not when I say that it is among the cheapest frame there is. The others are branded no doubt and cost around 300 to 600 excluding the lenses but they just don't look good on me. Then I got 2 more extra geeky spec for a much cheaper price. SO MUCH MORE CHEAPER. So now I have got 3 geeky specs of different colours and designs! *Woots* and they all cost less than one branded spec! Cool huh?

Uh, it had been a very wallet-hurting week if I may say so. I finally bought the lense cleaner machine thingy from lens 2. Not bad. The strong vibration scares me the first time though. Now I can wear cleaner lenses, spend less time cleaning and put behind the fear of tearing my lenses while washing it. Also I get to save more of the solution! Whee~ Cheers to technology. I also placed order for hyper lenses. Can't wait to get them! Also some uber pretty acrylic transparent lense cases. Can't wait can't wait can't wait~

Enougyh bout all those bimbo stuff, now down to real business. Finally attended the law course-AGAIN! Frigging boring I was half asleep halfway through the class. What a waste of the fee. There were more breaks than "lecture" time. Bummer. It was pretty pointless. All the things are in the books anyways. Anyway am going to sit for the test tomorrow. Hopefully I will pass he first time around because I have a packed schedule. On express course now. Going for engine course this Sunday. So, I better pass the thing! If there are no troules, I should be getting my license early June!

Went to get my IC changed today and guess what Yuu Chan???? Same luck with you the other time! what the~ The system is down so can't change my IC. Thanks to whoever who scare me bout getting fine if not changing my IC when I am 18! *rolls eyes* But then again,the people there told me that I have to let my right thumb heal from the current flaky situation before I make the IC anyways. So, that's that.

Still going to have driving lessons coming up, taking the law exam tomorrow and go for body check-up soon. By the way, I think I manage to shed some more fats because my clothes now hung more loosely than before and I don't feel so blotted anymore. Whee~ hopefully, i can shed more kilos and not feel like a king kong anymore. It's awful to slip into clothes and hate what you see in the mirror. =) More swimming and exercising this week since my ankle decide that it's time to let me run and swim again! Thanks ankle!I am glad that I do not have to get up of bed and hobble around anymore.

Lesson of the week : Do not leave things until the last minute!

Well, have extra classes this week because I have to replace some classes for teachers who are on leave including a full day (morning till night) on my birthday. shucks much? I am gona miss my celebration last year! Thanks Ruqi dear, Sharon and Yuu Chan~ I will always remember the crazy night stuffing ourselves silly with chocolate cakes! and of course when you three decided to scare the wits out of me that night! Love you all! And of course all the sweet messages I have received during that time. It was the best birthday ever!^^ It was my 18th birthday...

PS : mom don't let me bake cute cpcakes for myself....=( You know ones with pink frosting and colour sugras figurines. Sigh~

PPS : I am still crazy bout Ouran! Madness. I had watched it for so many time I can memorise the subtitles already! I am going to watch it again soon!

PPPS : Friends, do take care of your health and safety alright!^^ God Bless you, keep in touch! Much lovess from me!

-Yuri-

It's a dog eat dog world out there!

2009-04-04T12:32:00.002+08:00

The cruelty of the real world. A taste of what is lurking in the corner for us when we head out towards the working world. Owh, we all know about how the world is not a shade of pink and baby blue, not a fluffy place and definitely not a bed of roses but a bed of thorns. Everyday you wake up to the same routine. What's the meaning and purpose of life? Been working for a while now, all I have gotten are lower self-esteem, sun-damaged skin and a few irresponsible people I met at work. Motivate me to work harder for my foundation in July. well, if you do not know your purpose in life, you will feel miserable. eventhough you can't avoid the when you need me, I am a treasure and when you do not need me, you spit me out faster than I can say "WAIT!" circumstances, you still hold the paintbrush of your life in your own hand. You are the one who paint your world. As for me, I know now loyalty may not pay off immediately especially if you are not appreciated and you are faced with people who love to criticise and give you those " I am holier than thou" look and begin their sentences with " I hope you won't feel hurt but..." Then keep it to yourself, I do not need any more stampede on my already low self-esteem. Just let me fall and get up on my own. Spare me some dignity. Geezz, harsh. As if it won't hurt. People say words are the most poisonous things in the world and is sharper than knife. Physical wound may heal but a wounded heart may never heal completely. What you say may continue to be a haunting memory to the other party. So, next time, if you have nothing better to say, then say nothing at all. sometime, these words may cause a person to lose hope and give up on life but a word of motivation and a listening ear is all you need to save a wounded soul. So, have you say something nice to the people around you today? You have no idea how you will make the person's day and how good they will feel, comforted, loved and being appreciate. I no longer hold grudges against those who judge and criticise me, because of you, I become stronger, and will become who I will be in the future. I will succeed because of your hurtful words because of the burning motivation in me after sorting out the hurt and anger deep within.

But most importantly, important enough to deserve a whole new paragraph is the love from God, the truth about life and purpose that He has for my life and also the encouraging words and care, love and support from people who cares for me, who love me. Thank you my dear friends and my family for all they have given to me. I am now ready to face the world. The world may be an ugly place, but I have the ability to paint it into a beautiful and unique painting. Things are looking up. At least the economy is. =D God make things happen for a reason and most of the time, these are reveal in His time and we will see the bigger piture. Sometimes, things may seem bad but it is to save us from the worse. Like the story of the old and young angel. =D At least by the end of the day, when my efforts and all the goods that I do seems to be pointless and just cause misery to myself, I will reflect upo this day in the future and say "I am proud of myself because I did not move from my stand and I did not treat others as they treat me. I manage to perservere and not sin against God but keep his commands and decree." For I know somewhere deep down that at the end of the day, all the things are just between and God. Not my employer, not my colleagues, not the people who hurt me nor look down on me. Why am I being miserable over those who hurt me when i can be happy for those who love me?

Loads of loves,
-Yuri-

Calling calling : Missing all my darlings so much.Yuu chan~ where are you! Miss you~ Sha baby girl, hope you are doing well, ruqi babe, hope you are well and runing about in Dubai. Shila darling!~ I wanna see you. Miss being your roomie..=) Evelyn dear, thanks for being there for me when I am down and come down here again real soon!!! And to tonnes other friends, thanks and I miss you. I can't list anymore here cos there would not be enough space and I got to head home and change for disciple class in a bit,before my mom screams her head off at me for not budging! ^^ Tataz~ loves

PS Cant wait to see what we are doing this afternoon. I really need to continue being discipline with my disciple studies. Arghhh

PPS.. Down by 5 kgs since I came back. Slow but steady. I love watching the biggest loser! addicted kao kao! Love that show! Inspiring and motivating. I wanna los 10 pounds like them in a week. Now down to 600 calories per day. Hopefully, I can hang on! swimming twice/thrice a week? and light exercises on other days. weight building and aerobics!

Of Mixed Nationalities and Races

2009-03-21T14:26:00.002+08:00

I AM FRIGGING TIRED OF PEOPLE RANDOMLY COMING UP TO ME ASKING IF I AM AN INDONESIAN, JAPANESE, IBAN, MALAY, INDIAN , MELANAU AND WHO KNOW WHATS? OH YEAH, I FORGOT FILIPINO. I am a frigging PURE CHINESE! Stop asking. I am not as mad or conceited as a so-called mixed blood blogger who claim to mixed a dozen blood of who-know-whats. Sigh. I hate it when people ask me the same questions over and over and over again EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY! EVERY DAY WITHOUT A MISS. Crap you all! I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE I AM CHINESEI AM CHINESEI AM CHINESE I AM CHINESE! Frigging pure chinese. But then I don't mind mean I can passed off for being any other nationalities or races then people would not be racist against me when I travel within Asia... Bah, at least I am not the one saying that I am mixed. I am NOT MIXED even a little. My nearest ancestors note my fraternal(right?) and maternal grandparents hailed from CHINA!!!!! I am pure CHINESE. Not mixed not mixed not mixed not mixed! Haizzz... If what you say is true I would have 7 type of different bloods flowing in me... Haiz.. Trust me, the next one asking me about my race or nationalities, mocking me and looking down on me will GET IT!

Chao Ah Pek, if you are not happy that I, an 18-year-old girl is teaching a lousy old ah pek like you with no initiative to study or even try and talk on the phone so loudly in your "higly respected" dialect like quarelling with others, and then calling me a "Phillipine po" then screw you! (sorry, can't help it).. Are you trying to be racist? Phillipinos are great people too you know. Stop being racist and STOP looking down on others. You disgust me!

You know? The type of post that is stuck in your head...

2009-03-08T00:18:00.002+08:00

But you never got around to putting it down in words for your dying blog. Yeah, had this post in mind for a long time but never seem to remember writing it down. Or have I? I'm not sure.. Owh well..

First, whichever homo sapien that told me it's mpossible to find a guy friend without falling into a relationship, I will say "In YOUR Face!" Simply because I have a friend like that. Yes one. Not those typical guy friend whom you hang out or ask you out for "yumcha" session but those whom you can confide in when in difficulties or when you're just down and needed someone to be there.

It feels great to have a guy friend that sticks around and do not fade away over time. And actually bother to play along patiently when you have dumb thoughts and questions. Although at times he can't understand what I am going through(even I myself do not understand at times) he still listen and offer advices instead of offering me empty words of comforts that are meaningless and make me feel worse.

These things I am well aware of all these while, when our friendship just got closer over a period of time. It is not those faux-pretend-close-friends-for-two-days thing but rather a process that took up to years to accomplish. Honestly, when I first got to know him, I did not even thought that one day he would be my closest guy friend, someone whom I will turn to in time of happiness and difficulties, someone I actually care enough to not break contact with, someone whom I am eager to meet everytime both of us are back in town.

He is someone whom I can actually show to my parents and tell them this is my friend and they approve of us hanging out together and he even tagged along when we go out at times. He is also the guy who could drop by my house after 10 to get some movies and talk and laugh with my parents there., There was simply nothing to hide, he feels really just like a blood brother. He just seems to belong in the family as well. And my parents really like him and trust that he is a good guy friend to have, which is seldom.

I feel comfortable around him because I know he is unjudging and I can be myself around him without the fear of him criticising. All the meetups that we plan spontaneously usually ends up with hours of quality time spend together with my sister or even my whole family. There's just no mental barriers between us. I am glad to have met at least one of such guy friend in my life. Indeed, from him, I learn the true meaning of friendship and many other things. We seems to grow through a phase together and it's simply great to know that we are there for one another when we need support. I am thankful for such a great friend.

He is not those kind of jerk who is interested in getting into relationship when it comes to becoming friend with a girl, that some actually believe there would never be just friendship between two people of different genders. I believe we prove them wrong. So there. And he is not those squirmy type of guy who freaked out or misunderstand when at times you really feel in need of a friend and actually call them dear of say that you love them because they really are dear to you and you really love and care for them. I believe that is the real meaning of friendship. I wil never ever complain about how I never learn the lesson of friendship, because he had taught me, along with many friends that I had met in the university later.

Cheng~ I thank you for your friendship and I appreciate it. If you are reading this, please don't laugh. Thank you for all the support you have give me all these while, at some of the lowest point of my life away from home, even though we were miles away, you still comfort me and guide me out of the dark. I really thank you. I had a great time with you and I am really glad to have know you. I hope you too feel the same way. ^^ I'll see you again soon!^^

P.S: If you freak out after reading this, no worries I still won't take back my words. =D At times, I really feel that you might be the only friend who actually care and understand what I am going through. Thank you..=)

P.P.S : I will be leaving for Mukah a few hours later. Thanks to Edwin for helping me replace my tuition class in the afternoon! You're a life saver!=D I know you'll do great!^^ I'll try to have fun and not faint in the long trip. I hate long journey by road. Urghh, Make that air and sea too. I hate long journey! But looking forward to time with family.. I miss my family loads when I was away in university. I am still holidaying but already, I am missing my parents.=X. I can't bear the idea of leaving them again in a few months. *Dread*

PPPS : Congrats to Crys baby for making it into the uni! I love love love love love you darling. Mwah! ^^ I wanna see you badly again real soon! Like right now! I am so addicted to you. Save me....

-Xiao Ni-

Innocence...

2009-03-05T22:42:00.002+08:00

As I walked back from the tuition centre this evening, with the sun hanging low in the sky, setting with every minute, I saw these 3 darlings walking in front of me, each with those childhood popsicles that were a treat costing 20 cent each and also grandma's packet milk ice-cream. There were sharing, laughing and innocence. I was walking behind them when they suddenly turned back and I had this urge to talk to them, and so I did. Asking them why are they out alone and telling them how it is dangerous to be crossing the roads without adult's supervision. They were merely 10-year-olds, just as young as my students. The world nowadays is nothing like in my childhood days. I do wonder at times how come the parents are so lenient and careless to let their little ones roam the dangerous neighbourhood alone, what with the recent cases of people being robbed in broad daylight by the pavements and being pushed into the huge drain just right beside? Maybe I just have this overprotective nature inherited from my parents. I am getting so attached to children nowadays that I feel I had overcome one more obstacles in life, that is learning to love and work with children.

Nowadays, as of yesterday until June, I will be working 7 days a week, Monday to Sunday. I had accepted yet another teaching post that had been offered to me last month. Teaching english classes at a language centre. These experiences had really shaken me, when I finally realise how teachers had sacrificed for students all these while. How they teach and stand until they are tired and we barely listen, minding our own business. Without them, I will be nowhere near where I am today. Everything I had learnt had been from my teachers. I learnt something important, learnt how to shed off my rebellious nature. These few months at home, I had been able to think and without outside influence or peer pressure, I am learning to accept myself for who I am, being proud of who I had become. I had cast aside things that are unimportant and hold on dearly while catching things that are important to me. I believe, I am changing everyday. I love being alone, I am alright when people my age seems to have difficulty hanging out with me because I am too mature for my age. It is totally fine when aunties call me out to accompany them shopping. And being in the company of the experienced uncles and aunties had made me into a more mature person. They support and help me out when I am down and in need of advices. They care for me and offer encouragements. I am glad that I am not following blindly what others are doing to impress their friends even when they don't like what they are doing. I am just fine as who I am.
The other night, i could not sleep and heard noises in my room. I was afraid eventhough I know it is from the next door neighbour. I tossed and turned, trying to block out the noise but I could not. I resort to knocking at my parent's door at 3am in the morning and told them I wanted to sleep in their room. It felt good to be treated like a three-year-old and being pampered by my parents. I am going to miss all these when I return to AIMST in July. I feel reluctant to leave again because I love to be around them and be with them all the time. I don't care if people call me a baby or laugh at me, because that's not important to me.
I have a lot of thoughts in my mind. They might sound depressing or even emotional if written down. But rest assured, I am not depressed nor trying to be emotional. I really just have a lot of scattered thoughts and deep thoughts that I appreciate. Without them, my life would be quite empty and meaningless. What if I spend my time in church while others are out partying? What if I love staying at home with my parents than going out partying? This is who I am and I accept the fact that I may be different.
The disciple study turned out to be great fellowship to me. I am learning a lot and stregthening my spiritual life. I am growing more each day. I find the daily assignments something exciting to look forward to instead of just plain responsibility. I can't wait to read the chapters meant for next day. I am glad God is touching my life once again. I am grateful for all His providence. I am thankful for my family and glad that He had given me true friends. His guidance and love, patience in showing me life will be an inspiration to push myself ahead each day. I am still growing and still in need of guidance and love, for I am still my parents' baby girl and forever will be.

-Lily-

Rot, Rotting, Rotten

2009-02-28T16:25:00.003+08:00

Been back for 2 months. Rotting at home albeit teaching part time tuition classes and catching up with foundation studies and disciple studies. I don't know where had the time went most of the time. And I barely had anything done. Bah... Discipline, something I can never learn up till now. Have tonnes of photos but lazy to update anything, anywhere. Well, here's one, to prove I am still alive and kicking. Product of a lazy afternoon at home, doing nothing and in a horrible mood.

Too much sun!

Love,

Me...

Valentine's Day

2009-02-15T00:09:00.002+08:00

had passed. Obviously. It's 11 minutes passes midnight when I am writing this. I received my Valentine gift on my doorstep-literally when I opened my eyes yesterday morning. Awwwww.Gift of love from AIMST. How sweet. Well, like what Fai Fai said, I just ripped open the envelope, fully prepared for the lousy piece of paper inside. I actually took a few seconds to figure how to ripped open the thing because I was to lazy to get the assistance of something sharp to pry it open. After a few struggles(note to self, do not cut fingernails until they are too short for anything) I managed to get the papers and stare at the content while stupidly looking for another piece of paper teaching me how to calculate the marks. Then, I called up fai fai then eric cos fai did not pick up my call the first time round. After that took out my phone and calculate. Crap, marks was not enough(of course it's not enough) and the grades are miserable. So I just went to the kitchen to washed the egg plate and call my mom who took it pretty well. Then I dwaddle around doing nothing and took a bath and went to church for class and training up to now. What a great Valentine. Mom was luckier though. She got cake from daddy with 9 roses. Lol. She is so happy. Then I ate some of the cheesecake and drank some champagne and my parents actually took the result pretty well. Thank God for supportive parents. Owh well, it will be another year of torment in foundation but I will survive. =) Overall, today was a good day and I am off to continue reading the novel that I left off last night. And no, I am not ashame to tell you all I got lousy results and I am off to repeat my foundation. I actually forget for a while I wanted to write here and was zonked out for a few minutes and thus beating around the bush. Uh, yes. I am in the process of downsizing myself. Second week now and things are going great I should say. Exercising daily and the corset and the thermoactive cream works very well. I can see and feel the flabs falling off and I feel trimmer. Now, i should just continue and downsize myself further. Ahhh, life is good and no I am not bitter about my result. it was better than expected but just not good enough. Owh well, tataz. Need to go to bed and rest up for church tommorow morning, afternoon and night. Yup, training in afternoon and at night. Have a blessed Sabbath Day folks! God bless...

Update!

2009-02-13T19:34:00.003+08:00

I have not receive my freaking result. No point though.
I am feeling so sick thinking of it.
I am currently a tuition teacher to a bunch of primary school kids.
I am taking up disciple classes.
I have a date tomorrow, disciple class in the afternoon and then Sunday School training at night.
I am alright now probably because I try to make myself busy.
I cook a lot of nonsense food.
The diet seems to be working.
I am unmotivated to do Maths 1 especially calculus.
I haven't teach my sister anything.
My sister got 2 tortoises for her pet and expect me to feed and change their water. How nice of her.
Life is same old same old.
When the results finally do come in, it's not gonna be a pretty sight I tell ya.

200th "Pause"

2009-02-05T21:19:00.002+08:00

Had been wanting to post this post for a long time now, since I was back from the New Year retreat. Just realised, this would be my 200th post and the last for a period of time. How long? I don't know. These days I am easily overwhelmed by a strong feeling of I-don't-know-what. I looked back too much and thought of how I blew every things and chances that I had once came across in my life. How I had spoil everything one day of another. How easily I lose my head when I am in the middle of things and situations. I looked back and see how much and how less I had grown over the period of one year. One year, not a short nor a long time. But during those period of time I felt I have grown and mature but I was wrong, very wrong. I worried unnecessarily about unimportant things and when I am back, I was slammed back into reality, cold hard and harsh reality call life. Where everything appears less than perfect than the last I saw them-in my imagination, my wild imagination is to be blamed. Writing here had been my source of pouring my hearts but now I read back, they all sounded stupid and I just felt ashamed of them. I want to learn to grow up, to accept the world with its imperfection, and try to stop imagining the world as it would never be. What with family crisis and my education, with my weight and finding a job, with the fear of losing people I love more and hangind on desperately trying to keep in contact with people that I care for , people that I love, afraid that they do not know that I still remember them dearly. I am tired, very tired. If one of these days I have a special someone, a soul mate, well, let's see if he can put up with my non-sensical thoughts and my depressed feelings and how I constantly worries about everything and anything from serious to ridiculous. Passionate? Not if you are smacked in the middle of the problem, how can you not think about it. Now, sitting here, binding myself with suffocating corset and skin still burning from thermo-active slimming cream, I wonder why am I breathing at this monent. Life as it is for me, pathetic is the only word to describe this. I need to get back in control of my life or more accurately, let God take control of my life. I need a break. I had been absent from the cyber world for a period of time and it felt good to be cut off from the world for a bit. I really need to talk to someone, but I don't know who. I mean physically. I felt suffocated by the hypocritical people around me. My only place of hope is now my worst nightmare. I tend to really see the true colours of people around me. Good or Bad? I don't know. They just show that they care on the surface, deep inside, they care twopence about your existence. There is no love, just realistic human nature. There is no one to be blame, only me. I am the source of all problem. I know it... and I want to fix it... Fingers cross... Well, I still remember all of you dear friends out there though it is quite impossible to be in contact so often. I do still care.. Take care and have a great holiday. As for the result coming out next week, I don't know how true is that piece of information. I am not nervous because I already know my result but still I hate to see the dissapointment of my parents and I hate myself for it.

Happy New Year people!

2009-01-26T08:42:00.002+08:00

It's that time of the year again. Yes, stuff yourself with delicacies, watch the free fireworks display that burst against the smoky night sky and collect all he ang baos you can!

It's New Year morning and here I am with all the relatives. I slept at around 12 something after watching fireworks from the hotel room. I am back in my own hometown. Now, clad in yesterdays short pants from P&Co and the lousy T-shirt from AIMST, I will be setting out in a while for a long journey on the road to Batang Air for a getaway. Great. It would be celebrating with the monkeys in the jungle. Whoopie! Happy "Niu" Year everyone! Have a great one!=)

Regrets...

2009-01-22T14:18:00.002+08:00

Sometimes when we walked a particular distance, we would stop looking back and a lot of 'Ifs' would come to our mind. What if I did this and not that? What if I do things a little differently in life? Our life is always full of ifs. I do not know about you but it is true for me. I had been reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edward and I would say it is written beautifully. The words jumped out of the pages and swept you off you feet, making you feel as if you were there to witness everything that had took place. The feeling is genuine and it had sent me to tears towards the end. These days, in the emptiness of the house, the silence broken sometimes with the sound from various television programmes, had got me thinking about the things that I had run away from or rather were to busy to think off during the one year away from home. Old memories start swirling back into my brain, overloading it, breaking me down. I am weak. If it is one thing I have learn, I would say I had understand myself better.

You see, one night, I snapped out of it and realised all this while I had been afraid of people who appear more superior in anything at all. Looks, education or their egoistic attitude. I put up with it and with time, I had let myself go and make myself a tad bit unshiny as not to make the person feel so insecure about him or herself. Little by little, hurting myself and trapping my own abilitites. I know I am not stupid, I know I am capable of doing things if I had set my mind on but all these years, exhausted by the fight and competitions, I had chose to laid back and gave up fighting for what I want and what I could do. Time had corrode aggresiveness and energy of the long ago me.

With 6 more months to go, I had abundance of time to set my priorities straight and give myself take two in life. However i would never be the old me, the me yesterday or the day before, as I mature from day to day, going through more and more, learning bit by bit. I had changed but still some old thoughts never fade and I wonder at times, especially in the lonely nights, sleeping in the dark with only an orange beam from the night light, I will think if anyone had went through things like me and how could they take it or how did they overcome it because troubles tomorrow seems like an impossible piece of puzzle, delicate as thin crystal glass but also as painful as the shrapest razor blade. And then I would drift to sleep with tears still on my cheek, slowly vaporizing into the air. And the worries were gone as I fell into deep slumber untilthe next morning when the nightmares would begin again.

Then, I would looked out of the kitchen window, glad to see the mini pool of flood receeded to nothingness as the sun starts to shine for the past two days. But still, the troubles on Earth bother me like a child's unstoppable crying. The only difference is it never stop, and never will.

It's Official...

2009-01-10T20:35:00.002+08:00

My life is over. This is the 3rd day I am home and already I am going mad! I miss life back in AIMST and the people honestly. I miss the fellowship and the company back there. Back here, only did I realise how I could had fall into depression ever so often. Life in uni was far more carefree. I am going mad trying to clean up the house with small space but too much stuff and overflowing with unwanted rubbish. I had not finish cleaning my own room even after the whole day of cleaning and throwing. Sigh... I am going MAD! I missed the fellowship today. I forgot that people don't fetch you like back in the uni. Great. Just great. I am seeing a lot of missing out fellowships! This is making me more mad! Is it wrong to go to fellowship? Yeah right, so much for making myself believe my own home church is more friendly. I regretfully say no. I guess no one cares if you are backsliding, or you are feeling far from God. No one FREAKING CARES. I would opt to go back to AIMST the first chance I have but too bad. Financial blocks the way. I need to find a job soon, get out of the house and buy myself a ticket back to AIMST-A.S.A.P. Meanwhile, I need something to make me focus on holding on to my $anity, for I am going mad. I am missing the people dear to me in AIMSt. Missing jie jies and gor gors. Missing my awesome roommates! Drey and Shila! HELP ME! Missing Sha and Ruqi. Missing my lovely housemates! Xiu Wen! I miss your house and YOU, missing cutie Sing Yee, Missing crazy Fai Fai and Eric. There's too many people that I miss.. Surprisingly I miss the church there... Sigh.. It's definitely warmer and cosier. I am going mad!

Growing Fat and Vacation-ing

2009-01-03T18:04:00.002+08:00

Hey yo! Happy New Year people! Well, 2009 starts off great. In church as always,then went back to an empty hostel room with Drey's vacant bed next to mine and Shila's vacant bed as well. Was pretty lonely and sad to think that 2008 is over. The pain was there, my heart felt as it was breaking into tiny pieces.. I just could not let go. We will never stay in the same house or as roommates or housemates anymore. Everything will be different when I go back in July this year... *sigh*

Currently holiday-ing *unexpected* at Siew Voon's place! Thanks girl for taking us around to eat and sight-seeing. Very enjoyable and growing fat while my wallet is thinning out. Broke broke broke... Did some shopping on New Year's Day.. Temptation of New Year's sale...Sigh... I must really stop.. I think the most expensive clothes I bough this year would be that dainty sundress from VSG.GORGEOUSNESS! Well, it's just a little over RM 50 right? *pouts* I want to slim down more..There Are more clothes for thin people at very low prices. SUch varieties... The sizes are TINY I tell you..The definition of thin had reached a whole new level. I can never keep up fast enough... More slimming aND less eating please... But most of my clothes and dresses mostly are dirt cheap.. I got a sundress for less than RM 15..gorgoeus much... I seem to be buying a lot of sundresses and chiffon tops. The best purchase would be the PDI short pants...I LOVE SALES!!! SAy goodbye to cheap and pretty clothes for 6 months...Till I come back to West Malaysia,I won't be doing any major shopping for clothes and shoes and bags... Sigh...

Will be studying my butts off at home and working and there would be a lot of juggling to do.. Hopefully I can find dance classes to join and catch up with tracking. I miss running already!*sobs* I need to exercise!=) Hopefully,I will manage to shed more this year! Tata¬

The CNY plans are out and I am guessing I will just be doing a lot of outdoor photo shoots of the surroundings and also try to create a port folio of myself for keepsake... =) Well, there are more to be said but I wil leave it for the next posts. Just an idea of what we are doing at Siew Voon's house. I arrived on 1st January thanks to Eric!^^ Met up with Drey and SV at Seberang Prai and shop the whole day. Sing Yee and See Ying both were with us too. We saw Pala, Sha, Joey and Faisal too! Whee¬ Then shop shop shop Black Canyon starbucks shop shop shop shop shop Korean Restaurant shop shop Baskin shop shop Sing Yee house home sleep. Then 2nd go Taiping, eat drive around shop shop shop shop school New Tesco and Mall at Taiping shop shop shop shop home supper sleep. Today mornin wake up darn early duno why online 2 hours sleep back. Then go down help bake cookies*yum*.Then lunch and bake some more. Sit around, make card and then random go makan Laksa and Ice Kacang and just come back, I sit my lazy butt in front of the PC. So, you can imagine how fat I am going to get if this continue. So, I need to0 bye bye first cos we are going cycling! *woots* Then go lim teh tonight. Really limteh... Haha..As in tea leaves,tea pot everything. Darn healthy weih. Recently drink how many times teh dy.. Lol..Bye people. Enjoy your holiday, forthose going back to school,hehe...Happy studying lar ya...I will be going back in another 4 days!4 MORE DAYS! I can't wait to be back! Home sweet home... Time quickly fly lar!!!Shoo shoo! Boutique hopping coming up soon, sneaking into the new USM campus tomorrow and Pasar Malam-ing also..whee¬ Till then, tataz¬ Hope to see some of you at QB on the day we are leaving!=D

Love,
-Xiao Ni-

Hitting 195 by end of 2008...

2008-12-31T18:09:00.003+08:00

No, no you nuts. Not 195 kgs (I would rather die than weigh that much) but 195 blog posts. Hmm, before I go off and bath and get ready for church, just posting a blog to announce, I had finished my finals. Nope, no fireworks going off in my brain of things of that sort, because I know I am coming back for foundation again next year? And of course because I did not work half as hard as everyone else. =(

Enough of the sad stuff, well, 2008 had been a very happy year, with numerous blessings from God (uncountable) and also being away from home for one whole year. time to fly back home to where I belong, to my parents loving embraces and leave everything behind for a while. Well, yeah, there will be a lot of keeping up with foundation work during the 6 months holiday and of course working and giving tuition to sis, also improve myself in various fields. But, I can do it, and I WILL do it. Next year this time round, I want to be a foundation student with excellent result, not one that regretted her year here because of lousy results. Gosh, I am upset....

Well, Happy New Year people. Here I am spending another new year being SONY again. I copyright that.. (Single On New Year)...Hmm, no better way than to spend New Year's even in God's embrace and counting my many blessings from God this year, giving my thanksgiving.. Well, I wish all of you Happy New Year, may the new year brings many more blessings and happiness to you all. All the best and to all batch mates, thanks for being friends, and I hope to see you all back here next year, being my senior!^^ Love you all, miss you guys tonnes, keep in touch! =)

love,
-Xiao Ni-

Unexpected...

2008-12-25T22:36:00.002+08:00

Merry Christmas all... Well, Christmas and Christmas Eve was unexpected. I celebrated with my dear ones. It was just a small gathering but I felt happy to be with people that care for me, loving me. The night sky was heavy with clouds but there were still stars. I was feeling down and talked to God-sent angel. Well, not excatly more like Eve-sent angel. Poor angel.. Thanks anyways, I felt better. But am feeling crappier than ever now.. The talk, the laughter and the conversation will always remain in my memory. My dears, thanks for the company, you guys provided warmth even on a freezing cold night... I love you all... Thanks for everything... I really appreciate it..

-Xiao Ni-

我是个坏女生。。。

2008-12-25T22:21:00.002+08:00

After all these months, realisation drop like a bomb. As the rain droplets came down bathing the surface of the Earth just outside my window, that will only be mine for a few days more before getting turned out on the 2nd January. They say nothing last forever. Yeah, nothing does. Nor does happiness. One moment you felt like the happiest person on Earth, next, you are plunge into the cold hard reality of sadness.

Thinking back, I finally realise the problems lie in me. I had trying to deceit myself into thinking I am a good girl-finally. But now I know, I am just a wild, polluted and good-for-nothing girl. That girl that no one will ever picked up as the one to live with for the rest of their life. I am the girl that would go clubbing until dawn in the skimpiest clothes I own. I looked into the mirror, I do not want to accept the ugly truth that not only do I look unappealing, but I am a failure as well. I don't like who I saw in the mirror but there seems to be nothing I can do. So I try to dress up more decently, finally found myself and crawl back into my shell, pretending to be a hermit hoping no one notice me while I lost myself in the deep sea of thoughts in my mind. So what? At the end of the day, people have the bad impression of me, of my past and of who I am now. They do not understand and never will, but who can blame them? Even I do not understand this queer behaviour of mine. But I know, I am hurt, deeply hurt. Not by infatuation, but by my own self. The irony? I am a bad girl. Bad Girl are not suppose to get hurt that way. I am so bad, you have no idea...

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T12:20:00.004+08:00

The first two papers were over as of yesterday. Three if you include English. I know I am definitely coming back next year as a foundation student again. I broke down just the night before the exam. The pressure was too much to take and I did not know what was happening. But, mom was worry, not of my result but of me, calling me several times a day to check on me. She could sense my fear and knew I was crying and called, even when I tried my best to hide these from her. I felt like such a failure. Others bring back A+ results for their parents but me, I just brought back bad results consisting of Fs and my parents do not blame me. That make me feel worse. I will try my best and really be the best for you mama, papa... I am truly sorry for all that had happened.. I am just not ready.

It's Christmas eve and yesterday's carolling session ended only at around 1++am. We arrived at the hostel only around 2am. Well, it's official. This will be my last few days in AIMST. I am going to miss everything here, I mean everyone, as in people whom I care for and people who care for me... But as a girl that I was, along with my many other Christmas wish, I wish more than anything for the salvations and blessings for my parents and sister and also change in the world's hearts.
-Little Girl in Reverie..-

Merry Christmas my dearest friends and family! Lotsa love from me!=)

She Loves Him and He Loves Her...

2008-12-21T20:01:00.001+08:00

The Problem is she is NOT Her...

A Little Time For God...

2008-12-20T00:42:00.002+08:00

I reckon I had been so ungrateful in my life. In all my posts, I had protray my ungratefulness in life. But as I sat alone in the darkness of the night with only Yuu's night light in the distance and my table lamp shone on my Physic's notes, I come to realise how ungrateful I had been this whole year. I am ashamed at the fact I still dare call myself God's child. I am not worthy and never shall but God still loves me all the same. Such is the Great Love of God...

The other day I start singing the song Count Your Blessings. I figure I couldn't count them. Not because there were none but the fact is God's blessings upon me had been so abundant that I could never finish counting them. For all these while, I had been wanting this and that in life, more friends, more care, more love, more time, more wisdom and more everything. But I never took the time to stop wanting and step back to see what God had done in my life this whole year round. Truth is, He had never stopped working miracles in my life, every single day, every seconds. Even when I was uncontented with what He had blessed me with, He still put up with me, loving me and holding on to me, never giving up...

When I was young, I believe in Santa Claus, that live in Lanang Road. I know, what the right? But now I tell you, there is really One who gave me presents every single day, all year round, every single seconds. The gifts come in many forms, little blessings and cares and lots of love. My gifts do not come from Santa Claus, but from God and Jesus. Last year, it was an acceptance letter gotten on Christmas day itself. This year round, God gave me an early present from the government's office. I truly believe that God is sending His angels to work miracles in my life, to touch those around me through His blessings to me, especially to my parents. God is really doing things in His own time, at His own pace, slowly answering my prayers according to His will.

With still a stack of notes to go through, I felt calm actually. I know I had done less revision than anyone had done. While others are nervous and getting cold feet from a few chapters they had not finished studying, I am still collected eventhough I had only finish like 1 chapter of Physics and 1 chapter of Chemistry. I will just try my best and leave the rest to God. God will provide. Even if I do not manage to overcome this challenge, I believe that it is my own fault for not preparing earlier, there is always a second chance. There is only myself to blame.

While exam is just 2 days away, many are opting to skip going to fellowship and service while other are uneasy when the pastor spoke for a tad too long, checking the time constantly. Their body is in the hall, but their heart are in their hostel, bury among the books and notes. I am not a good Christian, I admit but I still found it dissapointing that people at times do tend to put other things ahead of God. I, myself believe that God should come first no matter what. Because, without God's blessings and grace, we would not get far in life, because we live in constant fear and worries. Bible says, worrying will not add a day to our lives, nor does it solve problem, so why don't we just submit unto God completely and trust Him? God is there to give us strength for every hill we have to climb. We do not need to worry about tommorow's tasks. No hill is insurmountable if we take one step at a time-with God's help. Challenges may felt to be too difficult to conquer when we think too much ahead.

If God takes care of the robins in the sky, animals in the jungle and the lilies in the valleys, why are we worrying when we worth much more than them to God? Spending time with God is not a waste of time and you can't just replace it with 3 hours of study time in your room. Why not just give a little time to God? God gave us a lifetime, what's the few hours if compared to what we spend when we have fun or went travelling? If we can make random trips to Penang just for fun or even go out to dinner, why can't we spend a few hours with God during the weekend? For the time and heart you put in, believe me, God will reward us in manifolds back with his blessings.

-Xiao Ni-

Sharing, Caring and Loving

2008-12-06T17:18:00.002+08:00

Have you received insults hurled at you instead of words of comfort that you expected to hear. True enough, I do not understand the meaning of friendship even up till now. Is it asking too much for you to look at me and tell me something more constructing and not give that indignant, disgusted look and barked at me when I am at my wits ends?

With what shit trying to learn the meaning and how friendship works so long after everyone seems to know about it, it is difficult, but do you have to make it any more painful. You treat those who mistreated you even better than me, no point of complaining, because it will do no good. What hurts me most is not an unreturned love and friendship, but the return of good with bad. What nots with gifts and sharing and loving when you just treat me like rubbish and a pile of shit?

Admitting that you are a person with certain bad qualities does not make me any less human which means that it won't hurt me less. Yes, I had been through so much hurts in the past, but that does not make it any less painful when you hurl insults and make hurtful comments. So, you think I owe you for the circle of social network I belong to? I rather not be in it because being alone will be so much more easier. I am sick and tired of being treated like shit when I am doing is be the best that a friend can be to you.

So, wounds of the past are still gashing wide and spurting blood of pain, but you don't have to sprinkle salts on it to pierce it wih more pain. Because at the end of the day, I am just that vulnerable and trying to buid up my strength, I am not wonder woman and take in insults without any feeling. Being vulnerable does not make it any more okay for you to intimidate and step on me...

Last Post...

2008-12-04T00:12:00.002+08:00

No, before you go into total shock and panic state, I guess this will be my last post.. For the year 2008, or not. Maybe I will blog on New Year's Eve after my last finals paper,which is supposedly Biology. But, I had ask my roommate to confiscate my cable, my external hard disk so, there goes my main procrastination factors. Pretty soon it will be my lappie charger or lappie. We'll see. Or better still ask my parents totake back my lappie a few weeks before I touchdown in Bintulu!

Sighzzz,time to go back.=( I will miss the life here, I mean my roomies and housemates and batch mates and friends I have met here. After this, we some of us will probably never meet again, setting off on different paths. I will definitely miss the church friends here too and also kiss my beloved freedom goodbye.No more outing till midnight nor going out to malls and trips to Penang. Because I don't even really have that much friends back home, so freedom will also meant nothing to me. But I will miss not having to do house chores, or not being yelled at for things and of course miss how I can sleep anytime I want, for however long period of time without mom digging me out of my bed everyday. But I will love seeing my parents and sister everyday! *grins* But wait, I have quite forgotten that things are quite depressing at home, so there goes, pop the bubbles, oh yeah!

Getting a job? I do not know if I will be disciplined enough to wake up everyday on time for my job, if I get one.

Well,though there are much more that I want to talk about, I simply must stop here and get on to sorting out my 3 terms worth of notes and start being a geekor a nerd,which ever you prefer.. will be meeting mom and dad down in KL on next Friday. Can't wait!^^ Meanwhile, an early Christmas and New Year greetings to all of you out there!^^take care..=)

Bye Bye,
-Xiao Ni-

Me, Myself and I...

2008-12-01T20:35:00.003+08:00

Starting off as a total opposite of my nature in a new place, hoping to fit in is the worst idea ever, trying to impress with a silly grin plastered over my face, saying hello to everyone is just amusinly stupid it seems. Well, what's the point if that's not how I feel inside right?

Finally, after the few months of roller coaster rides and tremendous hurts and joy, I think I am closer to finding out who I really am. The question and the fear is, would you all accept me for who I really am? And is being who I really am, sitting alone in a corner, deep thinking of something okay to you guys, instead of mixing around, being all pretendously cheerful and sociable, going to change the friendships between us? If it's okay, I will know who really are my friends, if not, well, I can only say "sorry" for not being able to uncover my true self in the beginning and being horrendously stupid...

Coming to light,
-Xiao Ni-

Christmas Isn't Christmas

2008-12-01T19:06:00.002+08:00

Despite the loud Christmas tunes blasting aloud in shopping malls, or the dreamy decorations which scream GORGEOUSNESS and sets you imagining beyond your wildest dreams. The fancy Christmas headwears of green, red and white hanging on each of our lockers, courtesy of my darling roomie and the blinking crystal-like Christmas lights we gave to her for Christmas on her wall just adds atmosphere and show us that Christmas is coming. But, deep inside, I know there are no Christmas. I sometimes do wonder and try not to steer away from the real meaning of Christmas.

Christmas, supposedly marking and remembering the birth of beloved Jesus Christ had been forgotten or misunderstood by many. Me? Currently doing another backsliding dance of myself and setting out on a journey to find my real identity and to seek that strong bond I felt I once had established with God. Only then would I celebrate Christmas with joy and peace.

Watching the raindrops outside my window, pouring down from the grey sky and the Christmas music from my laptop had had me imagining and getting comfortable, too comfortable I fell into an almost-deep-slumber which I hurriedly scurried out of. Because there is a blardy Bio mock exam for the essay section tomorrow and of course the structures on wednesday. Sometime I feel so stress thinking that finals is only 3 weeks away that I almost could just bite my fingers of. Geez, the tendency of hurting myself are high. I am going mad. What with the hypocritical side of me telling others to not worry and do their best, when I myself is now send sitting on the edge of my lousy chair by extreme fear and terror.. Sigh..

Christmas this year will be caroling in houses of strangers and also spend in a 4 wall room with barely any floor space to call comfort. There will be no Christmas tree like every year, there will not be sitting in the church in the morning for Christmas Service or me performing Christmas dance with the others. It will be a queer Christmas, different but not necessarily worse. We shall see... Maybe we would be having a nice turkey Christmas dinner with rum pudding. Who knows right? I am sure we would work something out. =)

In Christmas mood,
-Yuri-

Looking Back..

2008-11-29T02:30:00.002+08:00

Was looking back at my earliest post, written last year and realise how much time have pass and how much I have changed over this period of time. The older blogs were much beautifully written. I finally realise that I am forgetting me own background and identity, my imagination is replacing reality and I am aware of the fact that I am moving too fast, too fast to even slow down and appreciate the little things around me, forgetting how the blue sky and the fluffy white clouds are the one cheering me up at the end of the school day during afternoon,, how even a reflection on the cars can set my imagination wild and relationg them to life. I need to slow down and breath and just get a hold of myself. I am not being emo, just expressing myself in my own way..

gasp I just ate a MARS Bar...

2008-11-28T23:55:00.002+08:00

Wait, that is only the start of a disastrous evening during fellowship. I messed up real bad, by bad I mean bombing India bad. I rushed down at around 7++pm after finish printing the lyrics for praise and worship to write the name list for tonight's fellowship. It was already quite late but no one was there. But a lot of cars and people were leaving. I panicked and thought there had been a change to the programme and there would be no gospel van tonight. So, I check my phone. Darn phone was down again. Try a few times to get it to stay on. Sigh. Was relieve there were no updates whatsoever. So, finally people start arriving. I was busy trying out the songs on the lappie and tearing the lyrics into smaller sizes while trying to record the names. Was feeling a tad bit agitated because practically, there were no helping hands.

Then it was the case of some arriving a bit later, no one bother to call and inform them that the van was here. So, I had to put everything down and use my darn phone to try to call. No one pick up some more. Finally, they arrived, fortunately. I was already sounding loud and harsh by that time. Me and my temper. Sighz.. So, the real nightmare begin. I was trying new Christmas songs tonight for praise and worship. So, decided to use the lappie to on the songs. It was horrendously disastrous beyond description. =(

When I got off the van, I was feeling quite giddy but still alright. Then, I rushed in to try to plug and set up the speakers and lappie. Horrors of all horrors, the plug can't go in the socket. What to do? Try to get Eve to try the songs on the piano. No more daring stunts as such again next time. By the time I sat down on the piano bench, more like slump down and bumping into poor Eve. I couldn't help it. My legs would not stand. Both my hands are shaking, my heads were swimming in air between consciousness and subconsciousness.. I was scared, scared I would passed out but I did not know what to do. I almost cried but decided not to make a fool out of myself. I knew I would faint soon. I was sweating profusely my whole face was drench with sweat. My whole body was cold, icy cold. I had a feeling it was low blood glucose level. So I asked Eve if she had any candies. She whipped out sugar-free mints which I quickly popped a few into my mouths. It dod not helped much but it did kept me from fainting. She had to yelled out to Jasper to come and help. I was so embarassed can. I make them worry and burden them, to the point Jasper almost had to sub me again for praise and worship..=(

Then daniel came and I muster up all my energy to go and fixed the lappie. The fellowhip must go on right? So, I asked if Daniel would have any candies and he gave me Mars. I owe you one Dan! Thanks. But I don't think our uni CS have those, so I will get you Kinder Bueno instead ya? That is when I ate the whole bar and gain 50kgs. It was so sinful, I know.,.=( But I have to keep myself from passing out, no? First time in my life.... Why me? I meant I do eat and I do take enough sweet stuff, not much but enough to keep me from having low blood glucose level. Or is it something else? I really wouldn't know.

Then the p&w start. Bringing the 2 new songs were a terrible mistakes. I make a complete and utter fool out of myself, saying nonsense and couldn't even lead. I am so dissapointed in myself. =( I was sitting behind the speaker the whole time, trying to shrink myself. My life was going haywire. I must have looked so pathetic. Just imagine, face drench with sweat, messy fringe, pale face. Great!

We had cooking competition today. Our team won. I really neew to upgrade myself. All I know are classic oriental dishes that look like what grandma would cook, not that it's not good, but still, people want more fresh thing, something new modern, not soup, vege and meat. I am so old-fashioned. I am sure they are just saying I would be a good wife to make me feel better. It's alright. People nowadays don't really look at what a girl is capable of. What if I can cook, can do house work, can look after kids and is willing to keep a family, if you don't have the look, you are out. Face it, people are attracted to look first ya? If you are not attractive, how would they approach you and know you better yarh? Sorry mom, the dishes I cooked today were among the worst. The meat were not tender, the soup were too blur-ish*yucks* and the vege were too bland. Sigh. But the teammates were really fun to work with and we had fun!=)

Now I need to think about how to tell my mom all about this for I would get good scolding and then nagging and she would worry unnecessarily and jump to conclusions that I did not eat properly or starve myself. But I do eat! This whole week I had eaten such fattening food on various birthdays celebration. Desserts, Chicken chops, tiramisu cakes and much more! How can I Have low blood glucose level? Madness *tear hair out* Well, I just have to figure a way to put it nicely and I feel so guilty for not spending time talking to mom these few days. I miss her and dad terribly. They are both down with flu. I hope they get well soon cos' so heart pain hear that they are sick. =( Take care yarh. I love you both much much!^^ Don't worry, I do take good care of myself..^^

Not feeling so horrible anymore,
-Xiao Ni-

Monster In Me.

2008-11-28T11:54:00.002+08:00

Believe me when I say I am the weirdest thing that had ever existed, because a I am so weird I don't get myself sometimes. I still remember how upset I was when Bunny told me that he was a monster, I mean what was I thinking right? Stupidity reigns over me.*bows* But I realise that even so, he is far from one, he is still kinda fluffy and furry, you know what I mean. Well, cuddly if I may say so, but I wouldn't know would I, not like I had ever hug him before. Crap. Anyways, I discovered that I am evolving into a monster myself, snapping at every little things, how I flare over the poor guy who commented stupid comments on my photos, how I blew up like a valcanoes during the night out but instead of lava, there was sweats and near tears, all I have to blame was myself for being so trusting and dependent and naive if I may say so. Hello, this is reality girl. It's time to grow up. I just have to accept the hard facts that not everyone understand how I feel towards those I love and care about. Fear of attachment perhaps, even I myself could not bear the idea of being attached, relationship wise. The idea is just weird.

I realise that I am getting more and more uncomfortable when mingling with crowds, I felt so odd, akward and out of place if I may say so. I am like a piece of puzzle that do not fit into the whole picture. I feel comfortable being on my own and with the common circle of friends, the norm, if I may say so. I wonder if it's true for everyone else as well. Sometimes, I lay awake on my bed at dawn thinking if all these are just imagination or dream, that I actually do not exist. I know, lame right?

I do not know what I want or heading towards. Worse still, I do not know who I am. I am like the daffodils in the field that are not firm but sway in the gentlest breeze. I care too much about what other wants me to be, or what they expected me to be, then being myself. Yeah, it is right to admit that I am a coward. I feel as if I have no identity. Sometimes, I do envy what the people around me are. Sha, the hot, cool and adventurous one, Evelyn, the daring, cheerful and fun one, Yuu~ the one who dares to pursue what she likes and not afraid to admit that, nor does she care two bits if she hurts you-in a good way that she is not hypocrite-i like that, and how sometimes she is just so caring and be herself, yea, thats the word, being herself, my baby sister, the wilder one and dares to be different and so much more. HOw about me? I don't know what am I. I am just weak weak weak. Like a chameleon following my surrounding, doesn't have an attitude of my own.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy with all the friends I have now, but I feel I can do better. I feel that I am being a lousy friend and no matter what I do, I will never be that special friend but just a friend. But that is quite enough, compare to the yesteryears where I was nothing, a speck of dust. Maybe it's just me thinking too much, being paranoid as always. Yeah, maybe.

There are so much things in my mind that I want to write down but there seems to be no words for me to pen them down at times. Even if I do, no one can really understand them because they never really took the time to uncover what are really behinds those writings. I am such a lousy writer. I want to be like plants. When the rain comes pelting down from Heaven, they would not budge but take in the rain, blooming more beautiful flowers. I want to be strong like them, when troubles come brewing, I don't want to run away and hide under the shed, I want to stand there and be brave and be productive as well.

I am still in search of who I am, trying to harden and soften my heart at the same time, trying to be the real me, trying not to be someone I am not, and searching for my real identity, the real me. Right now, I am feeling surreal as the question of my existence hung in the air.

The ceiling fan above is still spinning, just as the clock is ticking. Time is running out, but of what? What am I counting down to, is it exam? graduation? the day my soul parts from my body in flesh? I am confused and lost. I need help, or maybe just a listening ear, but I do not know who to confide in. Sometimes, it is just better to keep it in, until one day they would all bursts out and I hope it would be me, the ocean and loneliness. I do not want to explode in front of others. I got to be strong. I am feeling a lot like the feeling that I can't explain. A mixture of emptiness, lost, confused with perhaps a tinge of agony. I just want to be happy and smile from my heart. Right now, there is a heavy rain in my heart..

Out of the blue...

2008-11-26T18:54:00.003+08:00

When you know that you are surrounded by pretendious double-faced creatures, what can you do right? Sometimes the fakeness makes you sick, so what? You can only eventually ignore and just lead your life as normal as it is while trying to fit the people inside your life, intruding as less as possible.

Just as the sudden shower in the evening time, is those people who appeared out of nowhere. Not that I care twopence about them but, they disgust me and you can't really ignore them when they shoved themselves into your face or scream into your ears. Tell me how to avoid? I am sick of living up to the expectations of those stuckups. I don't care anymore. I am exhausted and I am going to be myself. At the end of the day, those who stuck around me, I would know those are my true friends who accept me for who I am. I don't need fake friends...

Fed up,

-Xiao Ni-

*when life was happier*

Princess

2008-11-21T00:42:00.002+08:00

每一位来到这世界上的女生都是公主，
顺找自己的王子，进入自己的童话世界里，
追求自己的“幸福到永远”的结局。
他们都只希望，
能找到属于自己和那位特别的“他”的幸福。。。

Organic Chem quiz is tomorrow.. Totally in love with the new exam timetable. Celebrating Christmas is now possible and the 2009 New Year too! I hope it would be a blast this year. Thinking of escaping to Penang for a nice dinner or supper, then some partying and countdown perhaps? We'll see. Meanwhile, anyone having the same plans? Drop me a message and see what can be worked out... Companions companions companions... I feel like breaking out of the norm and do something different so I can be happy, have true fun and be myself without having to pretend to be someone whom I am not just to please others..

-XIao Ni-

Yesterday...

2008-11-19T02:43:00.003+08:00

Went to the church grandma's house for 感恩礼拜.. Initially never thought of joining as exam is drawing near..=X But after being invited so many times by the uncle, our fellowship president and finally the grandma herself, I just gave in and say yes. I did not even knew what it was all about until this evening when cutie Ting told me.. Well, we were there to sing mainly, as requested personally by the grandma.. She make me think of my deceased grandma... Awww.. *sob* I miss grandma so much...

The praise and worship was so-so. I did not put in enough effort and there were some technical problems as our pianist could not make it due to other attachment in the campus, so it was sort of bizzare in the beginning of the second hymn. =X .. Thank God, things eventually turn right. That's what you get for sending a banana to sing chinese songs..

Well, the whole thing was about celebration and thanksgiving for the baby's full moon. Apparently grandma's youngest daughter had given birth a month ago to a cute baby girl. I, being curious as always, would want to see the baby with every chances I have right? I miss holding little babies.. But, like I say, these few months of growing up and exposed to a lot of young mommies especially those single moms and those younger than me I felt that they were brave enough to give birth to a life, albeit the hardships ahead, rather than taking the easy way out and making their mistake worse by killling the life. The moment I held the baby in my arms, my first thoughts were, this is a real, kicking baby, a responsibility. I now look at things differently. No longer baby is meant for fun and playing, but it meant responsibility and commitment. I don't know but I felt so flustered and suffocated. I think I am thinking too much. But, the warm and soft baby makes me realise that it is real and along with all the things that she brings, are all real.

Well, got to stop being so emo again and try to get a shut-eye. Its almost 3am and I got environmental chemistry presentation the first thing early tomorrow morning. Sighz.. But, at least I had finished doing the slide. =D

My heart is beating faster again, and I felt like having things to look forward to after sometimes. Owh pray owh pray that it is not some stupid infatuation like the past again. I pray for God's guidance and submit totally unto Him, because everything is in His hand.. I need to learn how to grow up a tad bit and just be normal..

Cupid is all around,
-Xiao Ni-

Being 18...

2008-11-14T23:30:00.002+08:00

Well, it had not been explosively exciting or particularly wild as I had expected years ago. What with clubbing until dawn, all the parties I will crash with friends, all the guys I will date, all the freedom I can get, the car I will be able to drive, being fabulously thin and beautiful after successfully shedding off the extra fats. Let's just say. over the years especially after knowing God, these thought slowly fade away one by one.

So far, I had not been clubbing once, though tempted to several times, no parties whatsoever that are wild and I think the only birthday party I attend was Sha's, that was a nice, quiet supper at Lio'z. I stayed up till the wee hours in the morning, that is due to the dreaded imsomnia and at times trying to finish up assignments, projects or even trying to do last minute cramming during exam period. About driving, I had yet sit for my law test. Dates? Let's just say there are no romance sparking on my 18th birthday and no sign that there would be in the near future and all I had was the change of perspective on how I look at relationships. Thin and fabulous? That's a mere dream. Albeit shedding off a few kgs and gaining back a little, I am still plump and not stick thin.

However, being 18, I had went through a lot of major things in my life, seeing my life transform in this new chapter. The first being accepted into university, where I spread my wings and leave home for the first time to further my study. For the first time in my life, I experienced what people said were back-sliding, feeling God is so far away. Also, for the first time in my life, I really realise how much my parents love me and how much they meant to me. Also for the first time, I know that there are people that do not hate me, and really do love and care for me. I experienced the joy of being surrounded by true friends and being included in outings and activities. The change was tremendous from being dislike and outcast to being someone who is being love and accepted and surprisingly being appreciated. It feels great to be liked and love. I finally had the sense of belonging.

Also in this year, I experienced the pain where I am old enough to feel and understand how it feels to lost someone I really love. Grandma depart on the 21st of May during my term break suddenly. The pain was unbearable and the hurt I experienced in my heart is a wound that would never heal. And then there was Haxim. Dearest Haxim who left us due to an accident. All the promise and the joy he brought were gone just suddenly, without any last words. Yes, being 18 had meant a lot of tearing.

Tears. They do seem to come a lot this year. Now for the past reasons like how I felt so abandoned and unloved and facing people around me years ago, but crying because of the people I love and care for. For my parents health and their safety back home, for sis and when she was down and felt so lonely, when friendships met road blocks, when I felt so homesick, when I understand how my parents feel, when I miss my parents and how much I love them, when God felt so far away, when my love ones depart, when I felt the exam stress overwhelming. But there were also tears of joy. Like how I got surprises on my 18th birthday, for once I had a real celebration with friends, like when I realise my friends love me and care for me, when they listen to my problems.

Being 18 years old had indeed been special. It had been 6 months since my birthday. There are still 6 more months to go before I turn 19, one step nearer to leaving being my teenagehood and one step closer to being 20 and an adult.

During these period of time, I took the time to hurt and to heal. To experience and look at what God is doing in my life, trying to lead a life pleasant in His sight and living in a way that would please Him. By this, I know I would be making others happy as well. In this period of time, I am also trying to forgo my past, my hurts and my ugly thoughts, trying to replace them with the present and future, the healing and pleasant things. Maybe not many will understand these feelings, but I know they are true. I am through with silly infatuations, and my selfishness. I am tired of being self-centred and having low self-esteem. I am sick of feeling superior at times and being so nonchalant about important things. But I am still leaarning and trying to change for the better. Life is all about learning. And I thank God for His guidance and love for me, my family
and friends...

Of Ringo & Ichigo

2008-11-13T01:00:00.002+08:00

Today had been a superly duperly awesome day! Guess what? Mom and Dad suddenly got some dinner to attend down in KL so I would be meeting them there next month just before my exam week!!! Wheee~I am so retardedly happy now...Sigh...Still can't believe it's happening.. i think Ichigo and Ringo are bringing me luck and also lotsa blessings from God! Hallelujah!

Well, just in case you are wondering, Ringo and Ichigo are the 2 cute soft toys I have. Both are doggies. I just got Ichigo though on Tuesday^^. Ringo just came back after staying over at Sha's place for a few months^^ Now he is back keeping Ichigo company.. Whee~ Shall post their photos up soon..^^ Ichigo smell like my Escada perfume now.. Lol.. You take the guess what happen.. Hee~ And Panda the star is also quite happy albeit a tad bit dirty, shud wash it again soon..Hee~ I am working on a secret project, Ichigo Kagee...^^ Whee~ When, done wil show u guys the picture.. I knwo you will like it cos it is so darn cute!!

Meanwhile, Happy Preparing For Exam folks! Its time to pull those hair up, spec up, and dress down to face the finals.. RAWRRRR!!! Geeky me is signing in with full exam mode. MAke that 200% please because of the sudden trip to KL.. Night night, take care, study hard and smart!

Happiness,
-Xiao Ni-

ps* Dearie crys baby~ all the best in exam.. just few more days till you are free! You can do it with God by your side!^^ Love u and miss u tonnes!!! Mwah!

I promise...

2008-11-08T17:36:00.002+08:00

Momma and Papa dear, I really do love you both so much. I promise I won't do the wrong thing and I won't get marry early. I will try to stop growing up so soon and try to stay your little angel longer okay?^^ I will study hard, try to wear clothings with more clothes and also listen to you, love you and take care of you. I promise because I really love you, all these done willingly because my love for you can't be describe in love...

Ps : to my future hubby, whom you may be, hope you don't mind. I wish you would love God and your parents more than me too because they are the one who create and had love you all your life, even before I do. i will keep myself for you and you only. I promise...^^

Randome me,
Xiao Ni..

New attempt at super bimbotic blogging…

2008-11-08T15:48:00.001+08:00

Yes…I hear you cheer… No more depressing post! YOU WISH!!! *evil laughs* I am kinda hyper at the moment because I just screwed up my MUET exam this morning. I hear boos… Sigh.. For the first time in my life, I actually encounter an English exam that is actually of standard and actually challenging. Booyah! Say goodbye to baby’s english and hi to children’s english. Well, happiness obviously did not last and I do not wish for adult’s level english because I will be so glad to even score a band 4 (passing grade here) because the exam had been disastrous.
It was a sign people when a certain inconsiderate bugger spoilt the speaking test for us. Freaking idiot (sorry but seriously mad) Not only was the person pretending to be smart (which make me puke), but guess what, RUDE too. Freaking idiot!!!! Just imagine how angry I am to be actually saying the word idiot. There you go..thrice in one paragraph.. I need to stop cursing.. it’s bad for health..mental and literally… I need wider vocabulary, I need a thesaurus to search for word to replace bugger and idiot. Okay. Four times. Stop.
So, this morning, I went for the exam at 7.30 am which was miraculous because I slept at way past 3am this morning. Thanks to mom asking me to sleep early, I lost one of my double eyelid again!!! Third time this year. I need to stop sleeping so much. Sigh. Okay fine, a bit of sleeping, no, a lot of sleeping and some crying is enough to make my eyelid swell for weeks of months. So, it’s goodbye double eyelid for months or weeks, if I am lucky… Sigh.. I will stop complaining about having small eyes if I get my double eyelid back soon. Mom is not making it easier. When I whine about it yesterday over the phone, she told me to get some eyelid glue and glue it…. Where got time????!!! I sleep till so darn late can? Oh yeah, guess what? My Bio lecturer accuse me of not being able to wake up when I miss one freaking class on Friday.. I never miss his class can..Still say me like that. Bad Mr. Ng… Well, mostly it’s due to Maths 1.. I totally give up on Maths.. Sorry Mr. Khor.. I really can’t do it. My brain can’t process numbers. It just can’t spin!
Oh, where was I? I really have bipolar disorders weih. So talkative. Mom said so, I know so… Why must I be so talkative.. Cannot shut up one when I start blabbing. If I earn money as much as I talk I would be a zillionaire by now… Oh yeah, which bring me back to my topic. We are the lab mice-once again, testing out the new format for the first time. Why always so “lucky” one har? So, taking it in uni, no practice, never see one example of past year paper even, courageously walk into the exam hope knowing very little of what to expect. So random… The only practise I had was being up past midnight onlining trying to look for the new format of MUET and stumble across some IELTS and TOEFL practise. Did some vocabulary test online and listening. Ended up listening to BBC News through the whole night. I just got to know about podcasts-I know, so last millenium. You know what? Podcasts are AWESOME!!! I love ‘em! Though the BBC News were tormenting but nonetheless helpful because the listening this morning was so much simpler than the news, minus the strong British accents which I can make nothing out of… Glee.. Don’t throw forks and spoons at me people… I am serious., Try listening to clips with strong British accent. Will die…
Oh yeah, the listening part was okay except for the fact that we were pathetically or me at least, were trying to catch what they were talking about in FAKE accent. How pathetic.. Pity the international students because the invigilators were talking in Malay! I mean hello, it’s call MALAYSIAN UNIVERTIY ENGLISH TEST for goodness’ sake.
My biggest loss would be my speaking test the other day because of the scumbag (there I found a new word) and the writing for this morning. When I was half way writing the first task Istarted to cry and scream and ran out of the exam hall. No lar, that was in my imagination which reminds me I have chaotic thinking and also rant and rave. Great… I was so lazy to write and face it, I am bad at writing stuff like summary. Luckily no summary. Let’s just say I can’t write short. I have the tendency to beat around the bush and end up writing a six pages essays when I am suppose to be writing a 100 words essay. How sad. The invigilator better have patience and be in a good mood because my paper is in a great MESS. There were strikethroughs everywhere and I was cutting my sentences so short I would be surprise it actually meant anything. I hate word limits!!! NASTY!
The good part was I spend about an hour on the 196 words task 1 and left half an hour for the essay. Owh great move Xiao Ni. How careless can I be? The second essay was suppose to be no less than 350 words and is 10 marks more than the first task. Crap crap crap. That was what I did for the second essay. Amazingly and luckily, I could hand in a 2-page essay. But the contents were crappy. I wonder why I always get topic about money money money. Speaking test was about money and today’s essay was about money and being materialistic. Nice move people, what is this? Failing Xiao Ni’s test? Crap. I hate money issues. I hate money because of the problems it cause. I hate money, why always ask about money? You know how much misery money and materials brought me? Not good, not good at all! So, I just wrote. Luckily there was a smooth flow (it sounds so wrong, I know) and I continue crapping. It started like any nice decent, A+ essay would sound like (boasting, eewwww) and ended like crap. By the time I reach 2nd paragraph I was writing a’la blogging style. Which by Su Ann’s standard would be great but by my standard of blogging, it is disastrous. So the invigilator not only have to be patient (to read my illegible handwriting), have great sense of humour and miraculously read bimbotic blogs! Wheee.. It’s like wishing for pigs to fly and grow a pink fluffy coat. Pffft! But of course I wrote of Jimmy Choo and Louis Vuitton. No, I hate materialism but I am not hypocrite to admit that money is important. Duh~ like I wrote in the essay, a person would have to be either 1) a hypocrite or 2) still roaming wild in the jungle to say that money is not important for survival in today’s world. I was tempted to put in the word barbaric but I could not fit it in. How sad. Then I rant on about how the poor kids in Africa are starving and living without clean water and basic necessities and here we are starving ourselves half dead to get a Coach bag. How smart eh? And of course how money turn people into low-morale monsters. But the best part was the last sentence, the grand finale which will leave bad impression on me because it was super duper uber effing BIMBOTIC. Blame it on the invigilator who interupt my supposedly perfect last sentence by saying “ Masa sudah tamat. Sila berhenti menulis” Zha-toued. So I ended up writing this, it’s fully copyright by me though… LOL. It’s so bimbotic it deserves an entire new paragraph, written in bigger fonts and also caps-locked. *drum rolls*
“LASTLY, REMEMBER THAT LOVE AND HAPPINESS DO NOT COME IN THICK WADS OF CASH STUFF IN A LOUIS VUITTON BAG.”
Owh crap, thinking of it now, what if the examiner is a Louis-Vuitton merchandise obessed fan? Tell me now how will I not fail my MUET with such a tacky ending???? Me and my big mouth. Don’t get me wrong. I think some of the branded bags are uber cute but I won’t starve myself half dead to get a bad I don’t like, but I will starve myself to be thin. Lol…
Which reminds me to tell you about two guy friends I have. For the first time in my life I saw guys like that. I almost cried tears of joy because I thought for sure I will never found any guys like that. Well, so innocent and nice. Just imagine coming from a guy, with such pure innocence (dead seriously I am) “I don’t understand why girls spend so much time doing their hair and nails and face. I mean what does pretty really mean? One day also will grow old right? Then for wad?” Tell me can die or not!!! I am serious that he meant it because I know him and you don’t! =p Another will be helping a girl carrying a girlish handbag around the mall. Normal friends as in really normal good friends. How many guys would do that? You know, guys with their macho-ness and being egoistic and all. *cough* If it’s your girlfriend that’s a diffferent story because that come along in the whole package. It is only decent for you to do so at times. Though I don’t believe in such things because I still leave them some dignity, but being totally willing to carry handbags is really some guy that I would look up to. *winks* Latest infatuation of mine would be my new necklace with my DIY crystal pendant and my nice rose quartz bracelet, half courtesy of the handbag-carrying gentlemen. No, he did not carry my handbag.. The guy with the beauty theory did.. Lol.. He accused me of hinting him and thus carry my fury white bag. I swear I was not. I was really amused by the other guy’s gentleman okay??!!! I never saw such guys before lar weih… Forgive me for my jakun-ness lor…
Owh, I know, so ranty and long right, so for those who took the effort to read till here, don’t worry, it’s ending. LOL.. You are also very patient to read such a long and boring post. But then again, the main purpose of these picture-less posts is to bored the crap out of you and make you less interested in my blog so I can write all my personal thoughts in them without worrying. I can’t keep a diary because I am lazy to write (more into typing due to blogging) and what I like about blog is the amount of space I have. Hee~ Oh yeah, reading was bad for me too. It was so boring and the passages were all talking about depressions and stuff and and and I was too paranoid of blackening the wrong space and do stuff uber slow and read like tortoise and spend half a century answering one question, checking again and again. Darn, I am weird.. I felt the whole paper was about me except the one on clean water and basic sanitation. Overall, the standard is of my liking but my result would not be… Tataz people.. Love your mom and dad and sister because I know I do…^^ Randomness…

I-AM-FREE-FROM-MUET-GIRL
-XIAO NI-*grins* (Going coconuts too!)
Ps: Leading P&W again.. Hope I will not have sudden lost of voice syndrome and tongue-tied syndrome. It will be depressing, I assure you. I promise today and tomorrow, I will be doing my best, because I will be worshipping God, not impressing others^^.. *blessed*

Swollen Eyes, Aching Heart...

2008-11-05T19:58:00.002+08:00

That was what I got from watching "College Road Trip". I am not sure if anyone else share this same experience with me. But, it saddens me and it is pathetic that I should be reminded and learn of their love to me through a movie.

Coming to University this year was initially an exciting plan that I had looked forward to all my life. What was I thinking. How could I be such a fool? Believe it or not, I was DYING to escape from life at home, always trying to run away and look forward to these days, being away in college somewhere far from home with all the freedom I can get, doing anything I want without being control. After being here, I am just DYING to go home, better still travel back in time or at least stop the time here and now. I don't want to grow up.

After being away from home for approximately 10 months, only did I know of this phobia of mine. I am constantly thinking too much about how I will lost my parents and family, in an unnatural way, sending myself into constant fear and depression.

During the last term holiday, I went to this dinner, where a little girl was singing a song about a mother. I was touched by the lyric and actually feel and understand the meaning. I was tearing at the dinner and had to excuse myself to the washroom where I think and rethink of the song and my mom and dad.

Come to think of it, I don't need to be a mother myself to understand what my parents are going through now and their feelings. Just imagine, it seems like only yesterday when I was still small enough to be held in their hand, they rock me to sleep, singing me lullabies, my first day at school, when I was so young that my action are almost robotic and adorable, where I listen to them and all it takes to make me happy was a popsicle. I miss those day. I don't mind being little all over again. I remember how I feel when one night years ago, I woke up and took a look at my baby sister's hand and realise she had grown up. I don't know why, but I knew I felt sad because she was no longer a little kid. I guess what my parents feel must be tonnes worse than this, because I am their child and they spend all their life raising me up and put all their efforts and love in me and my sister. Maybe at times, they do yearn that we stay young and small.

Coming to university is not the hard part. The hardest part must be letting me go. Being so far away from home for the first time (including training period in STMS in Sibu for a few weeks before coming here) I was not really afraid at that time. But, imagine the fear they have to go through, thinking about my safety and well-being, me without them. They raise me up not to just let me succumb to some danger of the world. I think I do understand how they feel. I guess part of it is the fact that they trust and believe in me. That I would do my best and take good care of myself, believing that they have brought me up well enough to distingusih between right or wrong. It must be hard for them to finally let go.

And here I am, not doing the best I can. Finals is in less than 7 weeks and I had not buck up. I am not going to let this 12 agonizing months away from home go to waste. It will not be nothing. I am going to start preparing for exam and make sure I get good results to qualify for dentistry, even if I don't I will not live with the regret that I had not tried hard enough.

Mom and dad, there are a lot of things in my heart that I feel i can't get out of my heart and tell you all about it. For one thing, is my love to you and how thankful I am to both of you. It is something I cannot pen down or say, because there are no words to express my love for you. One thing I know is, I am not ready to grow up and be on my own. I wish to be your little angle forever. I don't really think I need freedom and fun anymore. I just need both of you to be with me, loving me as before. I wish you can take me back home to be with sis. Mommy, daddy... I love you...

5 A.M

2008-11-03T04:48:00.002+08:00

Yeap, still up. Cramming for Bio quiz tomorrow... Suddenly motivated to start strifing hard for finals... Also, realise I had moved on, leaving all the unnecessary thoughts behind, trying to look forward and grasp the future, setting my priorities straight- getting good result to qualify for degree programme of my choice next year and also get a job or two or maybe three during the holiday... As for the drama, I think I can live very well without it. The rose quartz crystal bracelet I am wearing does not indicate any tint of romance or even the hope for one.. I swear it is highly for ornamental purpose... I just love the colour pink I guess...^^ Thank God for helping me snap out of my non-motivated mode...

It's a new day...Bringing hopes along with the rising sun..

Impressing Nobody~

2008-11-02T14:09:00.003+08:00

Just hit by a truck or realisation... Yeap.. I am so slow at times... Blur like Sotong...*squid*... I could only thought of one word to describe myself then... It's "BODOH-NYEEE"

The randomness.. Currently missing mom and dad, sis and Crys... Wanna go back so badly... Just 2 more months people, 2 more months to getting my butt back! I am overwhelmed by some unseen force now.. Urmmm, safe to s ay, feeling motivated? Yearhhh...So, time to hit my notes again... It's Bio quiz tommorow people and I had not gotten pass assexual reproduction.. =X

Much loves,
-Fatty-

My Life is Crap and My long post had self-destruct!

2008-10-31T00:14:00.002+08:00

WHY IS MY LIFE SO FREAKING MISERABLE?????????????????? I CAN'T EVEN POST A FREAKING IDIOT POST NOW? MAN, I AM REALLY TOO USELESS!!!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!!! I HATE MY BLOG!!! ALWAYS SELF-DESTRUCT MY LONG-WINDING POST!!!! I HAVE THE TENDENCY TO SWEAR NOW..... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! TEMPTED TO USE VULGARITIES. I SHALL REFRAIN AND GO NOW BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING WRONG HERE. JUST FOR THE RECORD, I, AM USELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is it so hard to understand?

2008-10-29T22:30:00.002+08:00

No, I am not talking about studies. Rather, I am refering to understanding about love. Why is it that some people never understand how much I really do care and love them. Trust me. I had had experience before and I am really thankful and I do care about the little things is friendships because all of you meant so much to me. I am overwhelmed I now have friends to call my own. I am not asking anything in return. Just need you to understand when I say I love you, I really mean it. I don't expect anything back but it would be great to hear you saying back "I love you" and really mean it. I don't deserve to accept cold shoulders from you or even silence at times, worse still your raging temper. Sometime, I can only keep quiet and lick my own wound, thinking why do I have to go through this. This holiday alone in the room, had me thinking how much I care about all these. I was thinking how much I care for you and maybe you don't even care two pence about me. Probably I am too sensitive. I can only blame myself, for being too unrealistic at time. When we are over with this programme, will you still remember me? Maybe everything will turn out all right like what happen with me and baby girl. After all those happenings, I just realise I love her a lot, more and more each day.... Hey baby girl, if you are reading this, I LOVE YOU!!! Whee~ *happiness*

Shall stop crapping now and go sleep or study or bath, again.. Tomorrow is freaky Thrusday. Saying hello to 11 hours of class? Heh~ *drop dead*

Signing off,
Fatty mua~

God is Love~

累，泪。

The 30 days letter challenge

Choices

小孩。。。

如果。。。

感恩，的心。。。

接受

受伤。。

The toughest thing...

When you can't understand yourself.

When you can't understand yourself.

我和你。。。

生命。。

News Year, New Beginning

No new year resolutions..,.

亲爱的妈妈

If only I could write my blogs with music...

Hit by a truck!

Who would love me?

I'm no Angel..

when life gives you lemon

A Pair of Hands

Temporary hiatus and Love~

The Greatest Distance

Letting go and moving on...

Numb~

My Reedemer is Faithful and True..

Band-aids...

下雨天...

Daddy, I Love You...

彩色世界。。。

感恩

Nightmaresss...

Feelings of Mine

The Irony

bad day

BACK IN AIMST

Bye Bye Bintulu!

Faith and Fragile

Of Pandemic Flu

21 days and counting...

A Girl Like Me

A grateful heart, a beautiful blessing…

What I did on the 1st of June...

I Miss My Friends!!!

Sudden Changes

Our Fellowship : Written for AIMST CF Blog!^^

What Are We Doing To Make A Change?

209th!^^

Updates!

It's a dog eat dog world out there!

Of Mixed Nationalities and Races

You know? The type of post that is stuck in your head...

Innocence...

Rot, Rotting, Rotten

Valentine's Day

Update!

200th "Pause"

Happy New Year people!

Regrets...

It's Official...

Growing Fat and Vacation-ing

Hitting 195 by end of 2008...

Unexpected...

我是个坏女生。。。

Christmas Eve

She Loves Him and He Loves Her...

A Little Time For God...

Sharing, Caring and Loving

Last Post...

Me, Myself and I...

Christmas Isn't Christmas

Looking Back..

*gasp* I just ate a MARS Bar...

Monster In Me.

Out of the blue...

Princess

Yesterday...

Being 18...

gasp I just ate a MARS Bar...